hello all.
i'm blogging from hawaii on my personal blog, which may be fun to check out. who knows.
one last drink tonight.
WOO
Monday, April 30, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
through the looking glass
you see yourself in me sometimes
and try to pull you out
or just admire your unsapphire
eyes and pensive pout.
you're looking back (or is that me?)
into your elswhere stare
you never linger long enough
to notice we are there.
you preen and primp and agonize
eyes locked on the clock
perched just above; it dulls your love
with each seductive tock.
the passing moments amount to more
than we could ever be
so off you stray and here we stay,
absent-you and me.
and try to pull you out
or just admire your unsapphire
eyes and pensive pout.
you're looking back (or is that me?)
into your elswhere stare
you never linger long enough
to notice we are there.
you preen and primp and agonize
eyes locked on the clock
perched just above; it dulls your love
with each seductive tock.
the passing moments amount to more
than we could ever be
so off you stray and here we stay,
absent-you and me.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
a blanket and a book
i don't know if anyone is looking for a good spring/summer book to read...but this one is swell. a very chill and experiential saunter through a piece of time with an inspiring and gifted author. hemingway just has this way of saying things and telling stories that is so...satisfying. if you do read it, you should probably try to read most of it outside. i recommend a faded hardcover copy borrowed from a library, with thick, ragged pages and that deliciously old smell to it. mmhmmm...
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
"let's eat pez under the stars and laugh for a while"
so.
summer plans.
so far they involve satisfiedly looking like a seventh grade slumber party crew jumped me (and just to clarify, i mean that in an Outsiders kind of way...right karl and vange? mahah)
but seriously. favorite thing about summers in small cities in southern sask = haphazard, mismatched layers of clothing to accommodate the unpredictable atmosphere that were put on when you were too lazy and stayed up too late to wake up at a responsible hour before meandering off to work. OH and i resurrected my precious old chucks from the depths the other day--it feels so good to have those back in action, and the primer layer of dirt and character is just right to start adding a whole new summer onto :)
really, i generally just leave my summers wide open. the canvas (catch the double meaning here) of my trusty shoes is the only sure thing about 'em.
the blueprint as of today looks a bit like this though:
chillin' in the 'burn...keepin' workin' at the board shop (kalen's going to work for the city so i guess i'll be the main manager...oo, ahh, big shot, working weekdays and taking weekends off, uh-huh)...mmm, abbrev'ing even more excessively than usual and using the word "brah" more frequently...probably adding a few nights a week at the ol' DQ on to the work bill for the June-August stretch...to make the money...to move out to BC in the fall! yah! adventure!
i also figure i'll spend the time/mental capacity i restricted to after-finishing-college figuring out the exact why and where of the whole BC thing. all i know so far is that i'm supposed to go there. oh yeah...i just finished college (like with a degree and everything)! how good did that feel! usually i go nazi on myself and read textbooks over summer, but this time i'm taking a break. i think i'll go to the library, find me some CS Lewis or something, take another crack at Moby Dick maybe. i also have big dreams about hanging out with my grandmas. they're a riot, and the one makes ridiculousgood vanilla-banana milkshakes. yummm. i have a boxfull of things-to-sew that i'm pretty excited about reinventing. and tons of old photos to go through. mixtapes of me & jen's old radio show to dub for her. a captain compilation video/behind-the-music special to compile for jamison. (oh yeah and a mix cd to keep anticipating receiving from him)... shoeboxes full of random worthless things that carry with them invaluable memories to sift through. all that junk a person does at this stage of life i suppose. umm oh and i spoke at a camp last summer that seemed like they might ask me back again this summer...which would be SO magical! my old pal Marv Penner apparently also recommended me to some guy who runs a camp in ontario the other day at grad too...so who knows, maybe i'll be a travellin' preacher come summer's end.
i've also considered using this time to launch a campaign to become the next big myspace celebrity...naaaaah just kidding. my best friend kim will be home from SAIT / Europe in June, and that will no doubt lead to tons of shluffies (aka: Slurpees) and 5centers and 80s movies and making fun of this town we grew up in. vange and i would like to go camping. in a tent. my playradioplay! ep should be arriving within days. (that's right, jamison, PRP!!!!) pretty much give me uncertainty, my faithful shoes, banana flavored mojos, a shluffie, the outdoors, some special music and a friend or two and i'm a happy summer girl. (anyone else remember that LFO song??)
oh and the first and last thing i would like this summer to bring is a reacquaintance with everyone and everything i thought i knew. especially the Lord. bible college really messes a person up. but in a good way. for me at least. i think? i'll let ya know. let's go for coffee sometime. you name the time and the place. i'll be there.
summer plans.
so far they involve satisfiedly looking like a seventh grade slumber party crew jumped me (and just to clarify, i mean that in an Outsiders kind of way...right karl and vange? mahah)
but seriously. favorite thing about summers in small cities in southern sask = haphazard, mismatched layers of clothing to accommodate the unpredictable atmosphere that were put on when you were too lazy and stayed up too late to wake up at a responsible hour before meandering off to work. OH and i resurrected my precious old chucks from the depths the other day--it feels so good to have those back in action, and the primer layer of dirt and character is just right to start adding a whole new summer onto :)
really, i generally just leave my summers wide open. the canvas (catch the double meaning here) of my trusty shoes is the only sure thing about 'em.
the blueprint as of today looks a bit like this though:
chillin' in the 'burn...keepin' workin' at the board shop (kalen's going to work for the city so i guess i'll be the main manager...oo, ahh, big shot, working weekdays and taking weekends off, uh-huh)...mmm, abbrev'ing even more excessively than usual and using the word "brah" more frequently...probably adding a few nights a week at the ol' DQ on to the work bill for the June-August stretch...to make the money...to move out to BC in the fall! yah! adventure!
i also figure i'll spend the time/mental capacity i restricted to after-finishing-college figuring out the exact why and where of the whole BC thing. all i know so far is that i'm supposed to go there. oh yeah...i just finished college (like with a degree and everything)! how good did that feel! usually i go nazi on myself and read textbooks over summer, but this time i'm taking a break. i think i'll go to the library, find me some CS Lewis or something, take another crack at Moby Dick maybe. i also have big dreams about hanging out with my grandmas. they're a riot, and the one makes ridiculousgood vanilla-banana milkshakes. yummm. i have a boxfull of things-to-sew that i'm pretty excited about reinventing. and tons of old photos to go through. mixtapes of me & jen's old radio show to dub for her. a captain compilation video/behind-the-music special to compile for jamison. (oh yeah and a mix cd to keep anticipating receiving from him)... shoeboxes full of random worthless things that carry with them invaluable memories to sift through. all that junk a person does at this stage of life i suppose. umm oh and i spoke at a camp last summer that seemed like they might ask me back again this summer...which would be SO magical! my old pal Marv Penner apparently also recommended me to some guy who runs a camp in ontario the other day at grad too...so who knows, maybe i'll be a travellin' preacher come summer's end.
i've also considered using this time to launch a campaign to become the next big myspace celebrity...naaaaah just kidding. my best friend kim will be home from SAIT / Europe in June, and that will no doubt lead to tons of shluffies (aka: Slurpees) and 5centers and 80s movies and making fun of this town we grew up in. vange and i would like to go camping. in a tent. my playradioplay! ep should be arriving within days. (that's right, jamison, PRP!!!!) pretty much give me uncertainty, my faithful shoes, banana flavored mojos, a shluffie, the outdoors, some special music and a friend or two and i'm a happy summer girl. (anyone else remember that LFO song??)
oh and the first and last thing i would like this summer to bring is a reacquaintance with everyone and everything i thought i knew. especially the Lord. bible college really messes a person up. but in a good way. for me at least. i think? i'll let ya know. let's go for coffee sometime. you name the time and the place. i'll be there.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
sadness: reprise
song i can't get out of my mind lately? glad you asked.
"Doubting Thomas" by Nickel Creek.
before you read any further, go listen to it.
http://www.myspace.com/nickelcreek
( i don't care if you've heard it before, i want you to listen to it right now to get you on the same page and in the same place with me )
* * *
alright, so now that we're here together, let's talk about something. it's something pretty important. it's something i always am curious about how other people do it, or whether or not they do it. it's something i personally and readily admit to failing at on a daily basis. are you ready for me to just be out with it already?
it's trust.
i tuck it up there like a little sliver of a shadow in the very early afternoon.
is it really as difficult as i find it? should it be so hard to trust someone? i hardly even trust myself. actually, edit: i pretty much do not trust myself one bit.
since i'm the resident girl around here, let's talk about love a little.
like, the kind where you use parts of your heart that make you suffocate, and roll your eyes at yourself when that "someone" looks away for a second.
i have never been in love. pretty sure anyways.
i have been in denial. pretty sure. anyways.
but honestly, the few characters that i have let past the outer defenses...well, here's the unofficial strategy: realize that people fall in love all the time and reason with self that it could possibly be alright; be good friends and invest/let go of teensy piece of heart no bigger than free sample in Costco paper cup; implement universal self-standard of painfully slow paced progression; reinforce inner defenses; eventually come to the conclusion "what was i thinking?" and return to homeostasis.
i don't think i've ever actually articulated that before. or holistically processed it. i'm very bad at love. at trust. oh, so so bad at trust. i don't trust myself because i can hear myfutureself already calling back to me, "what are you thinnnkiiing?" and i certainly don't trust anyone else involved because i have this firstplace assumption that i must just be bored or retarded and it will pass.
hmm i started writing a story loosely based on this a while back. maybe i'll finish that now that i have time, and i'll post it here. it's called "The Architect's Daughter." there, you can anticipate a horribly dramatic and tragic fairy tale.
so i've been making myself read this book this past semester. i decided to do it to see if it was as absolute of crap as i anticipated it to be. turns out it's not. it's actually really true stuff. and unreasonably challenging for me to take in (98% more unreasonably challenging to actually apply). it's called Captivating...if you're a boy, it's the women's version of Wild at Heart. i've put it off for a month or two now, but i just tried to make myself finish it here. i read a paragraph. but then it was talking about a right heart and said that a "redeemed Eve" is "willing to be disappointed."
at face value, that seems like a no-big-deal sort of thing that's a given. but honestly, try to remember the last time you were disappointed--like, seriously deeply in your heart disappointed. (i'll admit, maybe i'm a bit ridiculous, and i take things to the extreme...but i mean, if you're going to feel something, might as well feel it hard) consider if you will, the "disappointment" you feel like a punch in the stomach when you find out the person you maybe let yourself love a little figures they're in love with someone else (and if you're going for the full effect: when they tell you all about it and/or ask for your input/advice) (and what the heck, the aftershock disappointment of realizing how much more of a whole person the person they're talking about is than you are). when i read this requirement, it made me remember the feeling of absolute disappointment, the kind that really hurts--not the little stabby hurt that draws blood, but the impaling hurt that makes your eyes wide and your soul gape hopelessly open. the hurt you can't even feel. i hope you haven't had to feel that hurt. i don't think it comes often in a lifetime. i felt that hurt in october. it was after i had had my surgery and finally got better..and then got sick again, worse than ever before. it's not something to talk about here. i haven't even had time to sort it out with myself yet--i had to put it away. i don't trust me to bring it out yet.
i suppose it just sounds a whole lot like i don't trust God huh.
i don't feel like i don't trust him--all i want is what he wants.
( "show me the way i should go, for to you i lift up my soul..." )
but i'm so weak. i doubt everything. i end things before they've even begun. i couldn't even cry when the memory of october overwhelmed me because i've developed this coping mechanism where i let the tears that surprised me fall and calmly breathe their kinsmen away while some stranger in my head anesthetizes me.
it's time to trade this heart of stone for a heart of flesh.
if only i could remember...
"sometimes i pray for a slap in the face, then i beg to be spared 'cause i'm a coward...
oh me of little faith..."
"Doubting Thomas" by Nickel Creek.
before you read any further, go listen to it.
http://www.myspace.com/nickelcreek
( i don't care if you've heard it before, i want you to listen to it right now to get you on the same page and in the same place with me )
* * *
alright, so now that we're here together, let's talk about something. it's something pretty important. it's something i always am curious about how other people do it, or whether or not they do it. it's something i personally and readily admit to failing at on a daily basis. are you ready for me to just be out with it already?
it's trust.
i tuck it up there like a little sliver of a shadow in the very early afternoon.
is it really as difficult as i find it? should it be so hard to trust someone? i hardly even trust myself. actually, edit: i pretty much do not trust myself one bit.
since i'm the resident girl around here, let's talk about love a little.
like, the kind where you use parts of your heart that make you suffocate, and roll your eyes at yourself when that "someone" looks away for a second.
i have never been in love. pretty sure anyways.
i have been in denial. pretty sure. anyways.
but honestly, the few characters that i have let past the outer defenses...well, here's the unofficial strategy: realize that people fall in love all the time and reason with self that it could possibly be alright; be good friends and invest/let go of teensy piece of heart no bigger than free sample in Costco paper cup; implement universal self-standard of painfully slow paced progression; reinforce inner defenses; eventually come to the conclusion "what was i thinking?" and return to homeostasis.
i don't think i've ever actually articulated that before. or holistically processed it. i'm very bad at love. at trust. oh, so so bad at trust. i don't trust myself because i can hear myfutureself already calling back to me, "what are you thinnnkiiing?" and i certainly don't trust anyone else involved because i have this firstplace assumption that i must just be bored or retarded and it will pass.
hmm i started writing a story loosely based on this a while back. maybe i'll finish that now that i have time, and i'll post it here. it's called "The Architect's Daughter." there, you can anticipate a horribly dramatic and tragic fairy tale.
so i've been making myself read this book this past semester. i decided to do it to see if it was as absolute of crap as i anticipated it to be. turns out it's not. it's actually really true stuff. and unreasonably challenging for me to take in (98% more unreasonably challenging to actually apply). it's called Captivating...if you're a boy, it's the women's version of Wild at Heart. i've put it off for a month or two now, but i just tried to make myself finish it here. i read a paragraph. but then it was talking about a right heart and said that a "redeemed Eve" is "willing to be disappointed."
at face value, that seems like a no-big-deal sort of thing that's a given. but honestly, try to remember the last time you were disappointed--like, seriously deeply in your heart disappointed. (i'll admit, maybe i'm a bit ridiculous, and i take things to the extreme...but i mean, if you're going to feel something, might as well feel it hard) consider if you will, the "disappointment" you feel like a punch in the stomach when you find out the person you maybe let yourself love a little figures they're in love with someone else (and if you're going for the full effect: when they tell you all about it and/or ask for your input/advice) (and what the heck, the aftershock disappointment of realizing how much more of a whole person the person they're talking about is than you are). when i read this requirement, it made me remember the feeling of absolute disappointment, the kind that really hurts--not the little stabby hurt that draws blood, but the impaling hurt that makes your eyes wide and your soul gape hopelessly open. the hurt you can't even feel. i hope you haven't had to feel that hurt. i don't think it comes often in a lifetime. i felt that hurt in october. it was after i had had my surgery and finally got better..and then got sick again, worse than ever before. it's not something to talk about here. i haven't even had time to sort it out with myself yet--i had to put it away. i don't trust me to bring it out yet.
i suppose it just sounds a whole lot like i don't trust God huh.
i don't feel like i don't trust him--all i want is what he wants.
( "show me the way i should go, for to you i lift up my soul..." )
but i'm so weak. i doubt everything. i end things before they've even begun. i couldn't even cry when the memory of october overwhelmed me because i've developed this coping mechanism where i let the tears that surprised me fall and calmly breathe their kinsmen away while some stranger in my head anesthetizes me.
it's time to trade this heart of stone for a heart of flesh.
if only i could remember...
"sometimes i pray for a slap in the face, then i beg to be spared 'cause i'm a coward...
oh me of little faith..."
Saturday, April 21, 2007
009//delays
where have i been? where have YOU been?
i'm not defensive, just tired.
adam roper is officially the alpha male around here. i love it. and him. don't worry bro, soon we will be travelling the country in the greatest experience.
i'm off to hawaii tomorrow: sun, sand and surf. i'm taking my trusty iLife with me, so i'll (wireless network willing) be able to give you charming updates/pictures from life in maui. in the mean time, here are some remixs i've cooked up in the last few weeks.
enjoy! bon voyage!
MP3:The Tremulance - Four Cement Walls (Remix)
MP3: Dntel - Dumb Luck (The Tremulance Remix)
MP3: Forward Russia - Fourteen (The Tremulance Remix)
MP3: Voxtrot - Mothers, Sisters, Daughters, Wives (The Tremulance Remix)
i'm not defensive, just tired.
adam roper is officially the alpha male around here. i love it. and him. don't worry bro, soon we will be travelling the country in the greatest experience.
i'm off to hawaii tomorrow: sun, sand and surf. i'm taking my trusty iLife with me, so i'll (wireless network willing) be able to give you charming updates/pictures from life in maui. in the mean time, here are some remixs i've cooked up in the last few weeks.
enjoy! bon voyage!
MP3:The Tremulance - Four Cement Walls (Remix)
MP3: Dntel - Dumb Luck (The Tremulance Remix)
MP3: Forward Russia - Fourteen (The Tremulance Remix)
MP3: Voxtrot - Mothers, Sisters, Daughters, Wives (The Tremulance Remix)
sadness
this summer, i'm living in abbotsford
driving to portland (perhaps)
reading novels. east of eden, to whom the bell tolls, and great expectations.
allowing myself time to have fun, and breathe
and not feel like crap for everything i do.
reading poetry in nanaimo
swimming in cultus lake
steamcleaning floors
thinking about, not planning, arts related events.
feeling rather alone (that will change).
i don't know. i don't want it to start yet. i haven't had enough time to reflect, on things that have hit me hard this semester.
talking to God. listening, answering.
accepting, rather than wrestling with, Christ's love.
writing overly emotional online journals.
or the opposite. down to earth journals.
we'll see.
-adam
driving to portland (perhaps)
reading novels. east of eden, to whom the bell tolls, and great expectations.
allowing myself time to have fun, and breathe
and not feel like crap for everything i do.
reading poetry in nanaimo
swimming in cultus lake
steamcleaning floors
thinking about, not planning, arts related events.
feeling rather alone (that will change).
i don't know. i don't want it to start yet. i haven't had enough time to reflect, on things that have hit me hard this semester.
talking to God. listening, answering.
accepting, rather than wrestling with, Christ's love.
writing overly emotional online journals.
or the opposite. down to earth journals.
we'll see.
-adam
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
a complicated dream of dignity
so, friends, i think we should write our summer plans here...
and then see if our plans coincide.
then laugh, singing lyrics to describe these complications;
strange how our life coincides with the seasons of today
who's to say where the wind will blow
or
oh the glory that the lord has made,
and the complications when i see his face,
in the morning in the window.
or
it is a bad time to be young.
what's left to us can't be undone, without it riding on our backs
when young and poor go hand in hand.
it is a bad time to be poor.
or if they don't, we can work, write all summer, then backpack across canada in 2008, choosing one reading per province to leave, for someone to find.
i think too much, when i am alone in my home.
PS - listen to this, while you type out said plans.
and then see if our plans coincide.
then laugh, singing lyrics to describe these complications;
strange how our life coincides with the seasons of today
who's to say where the wind will blow
or
oh the glory that the lord has made,
and the complications when i see his face,
in the morning in the window.
or
it is a bad time to be young.
what's left to us can't be undone, without it riding on our backs
when young and poor go hand in hand.
it is a bad time to be poor.
or if they don't, we can work, write all summer, then backpack across canada in 2008, choosing one reading per province to leave, for someone to find.
i think too much, when i am alone in my home.
PS - listen to this, while you type out said plans.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
"this is the death of literacy, ladies."
i watched this movie the other day. "the prizewinner of defiance, ohio." it was pretty good, although i didn't see the first bit of it. i like a story with a strong protagonist and a frustrating antagonist and a plot that upsets you a bit, makes you wish it wasn't going the way it is, leaves you unsatisfied and a bit sad. those are the kinds of stories i like.
i remember i loved "pan's labyrinth" because of that, and i really loved the story the girl told her unborn little brother about the rose.
this isn't really about that. although i'm sure once i finish i will realize that it actually kind of was.
the title of this is taken from "the prizewinner.." it was said in regard to a writing competition, at a cultural crossroads where something that once took skill and knowledge was being adapted to appeal to the everyman. a new advertising slogan: "no skill required." i struggle with this tension personally. the concept of lowered standards, which i suppose could also be translated as the concept of inclusivity. if you know me, you know i'm a the-more-the-merrier kinda gal. but at the same time, i have high standards and i believe in excellence. mediocrity is my frustrating antagonist.
vange and i were just having a discussion about going back in time to be 50s housewives for a week. we figured we would feel very accomplished, getting all that housework and cooking and baking of cookies and smiling done with our singular-purpose time. but we would need to come back quick, to the era of possibilities and dreams, where we could run away to far-off places and become artists and writers and chefs and photographers...this time we live in where everyone can be anyone. (if we forget about money that is)
isn't the internet the place where everyone gets to be anyone? (i think this is a very deep social and psychological treasure trove.) consider where we are right now. i didn't have to get a degree or compile a portfolio or appeal to any higher power to send these thoughts and words out into the world. i just had to be human and able to type. i am the self-proclaimed guru of whatever i decide is important in any given moment.
i think my favorite way to write is to intentionally neglect to include a thesis statement. and then to make a bunch of statements that support either end of an idea. like right now, do you think i'm arguing that it's good that everyone has equal opportunity to have their voice heard? or do you think i'm complaining about it because i figure we are becoming a culture of mediocrity? i don't even really know. i get too caught up in it all.
i remember i loved "pan's labyrinth" because of that, and i really loved the story the girl told her unborn little brother about the rose.
this isn't really about that. although i'm sure once i finish i will realize that it actually kind of was.
the title of this is taken from "the prizewinner.." it was said in regard to a writing competition, at a cultural crossroads where something that once took skill and knowledge was being adapted to appeal to the everyman. a new advertising slogan: "no skill required." i struggle with this tension personally. the concept of lowered standards, which i suppose could also be translated as the concept of inclusivity. if you know me, you know i'm a the-more-the-merrier kinda gal. but at the same time, i have high standards and i believe in excellence. mediocrity is my frustrating antagonist.
vange and i were just having a discussion about going back in time to be 50s housewives for a week. we figured we would feel very accomplished, getting all that housework and cooking and baking of cookies and smiling done with our singular-purpose time. but we would need to come back quick, to the era of possibilities and dreams, where we could run away to far-off places and become artists and writers and chefs and photographers...this time we live in where everyone can be anyone. (if we forget about money that is)
isn't the internet the place where everyone gets to be anyone? (i think this is a very deep social and psychological treasure trove.) consider where we are right now. i didn't have to get a degree or compile a portfolio or appeal to any higher power to send these thoughts and words out into the world. i just had to be human and able to type. i am the self-proclaimed guru of whatever i decide is important in any given moment.
i think my favorite way to write is to intentionally neglect to include a thesis statement. and then to make a bunch of statements that support either end of an idea. like right now, do you think i'm arguing that it's good that everyone has equal opportunity to have their voice heard? or do you think i'm complaining about it because i figure we are becoming a culture of mediocrity? i don't even really know. i get too caught up in it all.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
008//self-righteousness
"it makes me look like a showboat, and a bit of a prick. but i guess you can't hide who you really are."
the tremulance.
i'm writing a new record, and i wanted to give you guys first dibs:
MP3: The Tremulance - Four Cement Walls
MP3: The Tremulance - Stephanie
Enjoy!
the tremulance.
i'm writing a new record, and i wanted to give you guys first dibs:
MP3: The Tremulance - Four Cement Walls
MP3: The Tremulance - Stephanie
Enjoy!
007//changes
I’ve become accustomed to watching things change: seasons, people, life in general. Over the past seven months I’ve seen changes in things both obvious and subversive; great and small; for the better and for the worse. I think it’s important, at a time like this, to look back and see how this last school year has influenced me, changed me and made me who I am right now.
The transition from a life of complete freedom (see Captain) to a life of structure, deadlines and scheduled bus stops was hard at first. But I find that once I settle into a routine, it seems like everything else that has happened (and will) becomes completely out of mind. Let’s look at the past first: I never thought I would transition in to school life so seamlessly. Here’s some history for people that are just getting to know me. I spent the two years before this school year playing in a band. We spent this last summer either on the road playing shows, or spending weeks at different camps, where we would lead worship or play a show, or even counsel sometimes. The band decided to break up about two weeks before the start of September, which was when school was starting. After a few random happenings, I managed to get accepted in time. This was the first sign to me that God really wanted me to be here. I went into school with a bit of an elitist attitude. I figured since I had already done the whole, “Bible college experience”, with all the socializing and such, that this time around I would focus 100% on studying, and not care less about making friends. So for the first two weeks, I made it a point not to get to know anyone on campus, which ended up being the two most lonely weeks of my life (productive nonetheless). That was the first lesson I learnt this year: the importance of community. After meeting a few really great people, I started to realize how much we can learn from each other, and how when people get together, things start happening (and I don’t mean that in a sexual way…you perverts). God even says that “when two or more of you are gathered in my name, I will be with you”. This school places a great importance on community, and it’s something I’ve come to cherish. The greatest lesson I’ve come to learn this last semester deals with the issue of social justice. I’ve never considered myself any sort of activist; I’ve never kept up on current events, so I never wanted to make an opinion on an issue. This semester I was exposed to a lot of social justice issues around the world, and I think that issues of peace and non-violence are something that the church has completely overlooked. I’ve always said that I was a pacifist, when the truth is I was always just a passivist.
*Quick side-note; I’d footnote this if I could. Pacifism is not just denying to participate in violent activity, but rather it’s a forward motion; it’s practicing non-violence. Many people belief that pacifism is a passive gesture, like saying that peace is merely the absence of war, when really it’s a lot more than that. A pacifist would not say that peace is merely the absence of war, but it is the presence of justice, love and shalom, all of which are verbs (in motion).
Where was I…I always knew I didn’t agree with war, but this semester I learnt why I belief that. If God is love (which He is) then how can someone proclaiming to be His follower justify taking the life of another human being. All mankind was made in the image of God, which means that every human life is precious. I can’t accept the fact that killing another human can be done in the name of God, as many conservative American evangelicals belief. But I mean, that’s me. I think that’s something that has definitely changed about me this semester: I’ve begun to develop and form my theology. I’m starting to feel more passionately about the things I belief in, but question why I belief that. Thankfully the profs at school are very open about presenting lots of ideas, theories and theologies, so I’ve been exposed and challenged a lot.
Thankfully, some changes come right on time: spring is definitely here. Just as all the leaves turn brown in autumn, now there is a flurry of pink, white and green around campus. Though the clouds haven’t left, everyone seems to be in high spirits.
Of course, there are some things that never change: I still love music; I still love writing; I still get dumb crushes on cute girls. Life is still good, God is still good. There was this quote that this monk from Taize (sic?) in France that said: “Life is beautiful, God is good and he will be good.” If I had to sum up this year in one word, I think “love” would be adequate. I’m learning how to love God more, I’m learning how to love people more and I’m learning how to love creation more (which I want to learn even more). I’m thankful for the people I’ve met, who have changed me, and I’m thankful for God’s grace, and the fact that he loves us enough to create such a beautiful world for us to live in.
“This world is full of love, we still have hope.”
The transition from a life of complete freedom (see Captain) to a life of structure, deadlines and scheduled bus stops was hard at first. But I find that once I settle into a routine, it seems like everything else that has happened (and will) becomes completely out of mind. Let’s look at the past first: I never thought I would transition in to school life so seamlessly. Here’s some history for people that are just getting to know me. I spent the two years before this school year playing in a band. We spent this last summer either on the road playing shows, or spending weeks at different camps, where we would lead worship or play a show, or even counsel sometimes. The band decided to break up about two weeks before the start of September, which was when school was starting. After a few random happenings, I managed to get accepted in time. This was the first sign to me that God really wanted me to be here. I went into school with a bit of an elitist attitude. I figured since I had already done the whole, “Bible college experience”, with all the socializing and such, that this time around I would focus 100% on studying, and not care less about making friends. So for the first two weeks, I made it a point not to get to know anyone on campus, which ended up being the two most lonely weeks of my life (productive nonetheless). That was the first lesson I learnt this year: the importance of community. After meeting a few really great people, I started to realize how much we can learn from each other, and how when people get together, things start happening (and I don’t mean that in a sexual way…you perverts). God even says that “when two or more of you are gathered in my name, I will be with you”. This school places a great importance on community, and it’s something I’ve come to cherish. The greatest lesson I’ve come to learn this last semester deals with the issue of social justice. I’ve never considered myself any sort of activist; I’ve never kept up on current events, so I never wanted to make an opinion on an issue. This semester I was exposed to a lot of social justice issues around the world, and I think that issues of peace and non-violence are something that the church has completely overlooked. I’ve always said that I was a pacifist, when the truth is I was always just a passivist.
*Quick side-note; I’d footnote this if I could. Pacifism is not just denying to participate in violent activity, but rather it’s a forward motion; it’s practicing non-violence. Many people belief that pacifism is a passive gesture, like saying that peace is merely the absence of war, when really it’s a lot more than that. A pacifist would not say that peace is merely the absence of war, but it is the presence of justice, love and shalom, all of which are verbs (in motion).
Where was I…I always knew I didn’t agree with war, but this semester I learnt why I belief that. If God is love (which He is) then how can someone proclaiming to be His follower justify taking the life of another human being. All mankind was made in the image of God, which means that every human life is precious. I can’t accept the fact that killing another human can be done in the name of God, as many conservative American evangelicals belief. But I mean, that’s me. I think that’s something that has definitely changed about me this semester: I’ve begun to develop and form my theology. I’m starting to feel more passionately about the things I belief in, but question why I belief that. Thankfully the profs at school are very open about presenting lots of ideas, theories and theologies, so I’ve been exposed and challenged a lot.
Thankfully, some changes come right on time: spring is definitely here. Just as all the leaves turn brown in autumn, now there is a flurry of pink, white and green around campus. Though the clouds haven’t left, everyone seems to be in high spirits.
Of course, there are some things that never change: I still love music; I still love writing; I still get dumb crushes on cute girls. Life is still good, God is still good. There was this quote that this monk from Taize (sic?) in France that said: “Life is beautiful, God is good and he will be good.” If I had to sum up this year in one word, I think “love” would be adequate. I’m learning how to love God more, I’m learning how to love people more and I’m learning how to love creation more (which I want to learn even more). I’m thankful for the people I’ve met, who have changed me, and I’m thankful for God’s grace, and the fact that he loves us enough to create such a beautiful world for us to live in.
“This world is full of love, we still have hope.”
faces
a novel i read last semester, "till we have faces", made the point that we can never fully comprehend things of heaven, until we have faces.
in a letter, cs lewis had this to say
"How can [the gods] meet us face to face till we have faces? The idea was that a human being must become real before it can expect to receive any message from the superhuman; that is, it must be speaking with its own voice (not one of its borrowed voices), expressing its actual desires (not what it imagines that it desires), being for good or ill itself, not any mask, veil, or persona."
this semester has been a struggling in the dark, for me. in journals, and speeches, i mentioned how i "don't have the answers" slash "don't know how t get answers". but something came to me yesterday, while i was writing a youth talk;
we are not given the answers, but we are given a relationship, through which we can seek to understand, if only a little. if we are to meet the divine, to cross the veil that divides the physical, we start with honesty. when the relatinship with Christ becomes of one intimacy and understanding we start to find ourselves. the challenge of following Christ is to let Him in to the most dear places, who we are, that we hide behind.
and i think the mystery of Christ's love is that we are designed with a desire to express what we are, who we are. the desire we have to know ourselves is a deeper responce, to wanting to know the creator, who built us that way.
well. thats my thought of the day. i'm trying to write a deep statement, or something, to finish off my "christian imagination" writing assingment.
in a letter, cs lewis had this to say
"How can [the gods] meet us face to face till we have faces? The idea was that a human being must become real before it can expect to receive any message from the superhuman; that is, it must be speaking with its own voice (not one of its borrowed voices), expressing its actual desires (not what it imagines that it desires), being for good or ill itself, not any mask, veil, or persona."
this semester has been a struggling in the dark, for me. in journals, and speeches, i mentioned how i "don't have the answers" slash "don't know how t get answers". but something came to me yesterday, while i was writing a youth talk;
we are not given the answers, but we are given a relationship, through which we can seek to understand, if only a little. if we are to meet the divine, to cross the veil that divides the physical, we start with honesty. when the relatinship with Christ becomes of one intimacy and understanding we start to find ourselves. the challenge of following Christ is to let Him in to the most dear places, who we are, that we hide behind.
and i think the mystery of Christ's love is that we are designed with a desire to express what we are, who we are. the desire we have to know ourselves is a deeper responce, to wanting to know the creator, who built us that way.
well. thats my thought of the day. i'm trying to write a deep statement, or something, to finish off my "christian imagination" writing assingment.
Monday, April 9, 2007
006//sweden
things are about to get REAL swedish in here, real fast.
the knife.
loney, dear.
love is all.
jose gonzalez.
i'm from barcelona.
dungen.
have fun kids.
the knife.
loney, dear.
love is all.
jose gonzalez.
i'm from barcelona.
dungen.
have fun kids.
campfires, coffee, and the ocean
dear world, this is adam.
give him the same love that you've given shaina, karl and i.
--------------------------------------------------------------
the first post is either a) the most profound or b) the one that makes you roll you're eyes, shun me, and cancel my membership.
so hopefully i fall somewhere in between.
i'm the odd man out, in this group. if we were sitting around a campfire i would be the quiet guy, poking the fire with sticks. i grew up far away, beside the quiet waters of nanaimo- where the ocean is always kept calm by surrounding islands, holding back the waves.
i spent 21 years there, and it wasn't until i left, and came back, that i finally went to the top of a downtown apartment building to watch the fireworks, lights colliding with the rippling tides, flashing the ordinary people as they cheered and hooted. hmm. and to think i used to be among of those people, huddled together on the rocks of swylana lagoon in a mass of faces. next time i watch fireworks, i will be. i think that community is watching fireworks with the mass of ordinary people, rather than looking down on it.
funny story, that was the topic of my first (decent) blog ever, back when i lived a block away from the water and wrote on myspace. i've come a long way since last summer.
so now i live in abbotsford... where the air is thin. and chilly. ask me again, in twenty years, what is beautiful about this town, and i will probably have a better answer. all i can come up with is the colors of the leaves scattered on the ground, in the fall... and the trees outside my backdeck thickening enough to cover the air between my townhouse and the road, always busy with the sighs of passing cars. oh yeah, i met jamison here, as well. my first impression of him is material for another day.
thats me. well... thats kind of me. thats where i came from. lets sit around a campfire, have coffee and discuss me later... no, lets talk about 90s music instead. third eye blind, matchbox 20, lifehouse, collective soul...
i like this idea
-adam
give him the same love that you've given shaina, karl and i.
--------------------------------------------------------------
the first post is either a) the most profound or b) the one that makes you roll you're eyes, shun me, and cancel my membership.
so hopefully i fall somewhere in between.
i'm the odd man out, in this group. if we were sitting around a campfire i would be the quiet guy, poking the fire with sticks. i grew up far away, beside the quiet waters of nanaimo- where the ocean is always kept calm by surrounding islands, holding back the waves.
i spent 21 years there, and it wasn't until i left, and came back, that i finally went to the top of a downtown apartment building to watch the fireworks, lights colliding with the rippling tides, flashing the ordinary people as they cheered and hooted. hmm. and to think i used to be among of those people, huddled together on the rocks of swylana lagoon in a mass of faces. next time i watch fireworks, i will be. i think that community is watching fireworks with the mass of ordinary people, rather than looking down on it.
funny story, that was the topic of my first (decent) blog ever, back when i lived a block away from the water and wrote on myspace. i've come a long way since last summer.
so now i live in abbotsford... where the air is thin. and chilly. ask me again, in twenty years, what is beautiful about this town, and i will probably have a better answer. all i can come up with is the colors of the leaves scattered on the ground, in the fall... and the trees outside my backdeck thickening enough to cover the air between my townhouse and the road, always busy with the sighs of passing cars. oh yeah, i met jamison here, as well. my first impression of him is material for another day.
thats me. well... thats kind of me. thats where i came from. lets sit around a campfire, have coffee and discuss me later... no, lets talk about 90s music instead. third eye blind, matchbox 20, lifehouse, collective soul...
i like this idea
-adam
005//magic
Patrick Wolf
"Album of the Year" gets tossed around a lot. I think I change my pick once every few months, but I think this year's is a solid pick, already. Unless Radiohead released their new record this year, but that probably won't happen. So the award goes to Patrick Wolf. "The Magic Position" is one of the best albums i've heard in a really long time. It's got something for everyone: poppy, musical-esque sing-alongs, adventure, deliectable arrangments, bizzare electronics and that powerful voice behind that child-like look. The record has a story to it, but I haven't figured it out. But I know there's a plot line that drives the record. It's far too cinematic to not have one. I keep getting this "Spirited Away", adventure vibe from it too. Maybe I watch too many movies. Either way, go buy this record. If you favourite store doesn't carry it, order it in. Listen to it all the way through. You won't be disappointed.
MP3: Patrick Wolf - The Magic Position
Stream: Patrick Wolf on Myspace
"Album of the Year" gets tossed around a lot. I think I change my pick once every few months, but I think this year's is a solid pick, already. Unless Radiohead released their new record this year, but that probably won't happen. So the award goes to Patrick Wolf. "The Magic Position" is one of the best albums i've heard in a really long time. It's got something for everyone: poppy, musical-esque sing-alongs, adventure, deliectable arrangments, bizzare electronics and that powerful voice behind that child-like look. The record has a story to it, but I haven't figured it out. But I know there's a plot line that drives the record. It's far too cinematic to not have one. I keep getting this "Spirited Away", adventure vibe from it too. Maybe I watch too many movies. Either way, go buy this record. If you favourite store doesn't carry it, order it in. Listen to it all the way through. You won't be disappointed.
MP3: Patrick Wolf - The Magic Position
Stream: Patrick Wolf on Myspace
004//prayer
“Love and prayer: the two most important things in a Christian's life.”
I think we underestimate ourselves far too often, humans that is. Think of how many people that you know, friends or family perhaps, that struggle with issues of self-worth, depression, or inferiority complexes. These aren’t uncommon; in fact they’re far too common. Gnosticism, subversively, runs rampant in our culture: how many times have you been subliminally bombarded with phrases like, “you’re never going to look as good as that model” or, “you’re never going to win the love of that person you adore.” Maybe you didn’t even notice it, but the next time you flip through ANY magazine, look at the advertisements and try to focus on how you’re being manipulated by them.
Let’s talk about Gnosticism really quickly (in plain terms; consult your local theologian for more information): Gnosticism is the theory that the flesh is detestable and all things spiritual are good. For example: a Gnostic believes that the only way to achieve “secret knowledge” is to deny their flesh. In our society, Gnosticism is apparent in more ways then you would think. Think of how often the spiritual is placed overtop of humanity. “I just wish I were dead, so I could be in heaven!” So that quote was said in humor, but you get the idea.
Now, the main point of this article is to demonstrate how often humans underestimate themselves, Gnosticism being an example. But I think that the greatest ways that humans have been fooled into thinking they’re insignificant is to believe that prayer is pointless. Prayer is one of the most interesting facets of Christian life; what other belief system features a believer in direct communication with their god? (I’m not incredibly educated on world religions, so if there are religions that do feature that, feel free to email me, and put me in my place.) As followers, we have the ability to talk with the creator of the universe.
Just try to fathom that for a minute.
Our creator loves us so much that he gave us the chance to lift our thoughts up to him.
I’ve never been a great example of a pray-er. I was raised on the “before-meal prayer” and the “before-bed prayer”. I figured that since I was putting in that time, that I was filling one of my God quotas (reading my Bible was a different quota). It never dawned on me that God actually wanted to be in conversation with me. Maybe I was too young to care, I don’t know. In high school, God turned into my conscious cleaner; anytime I needed to feel better about my lack of passion, or, negatively, my abundance of apathy, as I fell asleep I would ask God to forgive me for all of that. I don’t know why, it’s not like God meant that much to me in other aspects of my life, so I’m not sure why I felt I needed to ask for forgiveness. Even now, I don’t find myself spending as much time in prayer as I should, but I at least try to make an effort to let God in on what’s going on in my head.
So that’s me, I mean, I don’t know how, or when, you pray, but I think it’s crucial that each Christian spends time in prayer. So here’s my handy guide on how you might be able to fit some prayer into your hectic life. If none of these apply, email me with your situation, and with my all-knowing guidance, I will help turn you into the next Billy Graham. Please don’t quote me on that:
Jamison’s Guide to Praying in Chaos.
1. How often do you spend sitting in front of a TV? Try to avoid television. Our culture is far too apathetic and lazy as it is. We need to bring back our generation’s imagination, and one way to accomplish this is to get outside, away from television. Now here is where prayer can come in: try to spend the same amount of time that you spend watching television, in prayer. Yeah I know, it’s a big ordeal, but really, why should it be. The only reason it seems like a big task is because we’re so used to watching TV. Maybe you don’t watch TV, and maybe your thing is spending time on the Internet. I’m a victim of this: I can spend HOURS, literally, doing absolutely nothing on the Internet. If we can turn this time into time spent in prayer, the whole world will benefit.
2. Turn the mundane parts of life, into times of worship. How many of you commute? If you live in an urban center, there’s a good chance that you take some sort of transit system. Try praying for the people on your bus, or sky train, or whatever. Most of the times I’m on the bus, I’m just listening to music, staring out the window. Why not turn that half an hour, or however long, into a time of prayer.
*Note – Prayer doesn’t necessarily mean closing your eyes, folding your hands and bowing your head. Contrary to what your Sunday school teacher told you, you can pray with your eyes open, looking like a normal person. So if you’re scared to looking too evangelical on your bus, don’t worry, you can just sit and look sad like you normally do.
3. Get into creation. Because we all come from different climates, some of you may not be able to take advantage of this until the snow is gone, but for those of us that are blessed to have the sun, this is a great way to experience God. A few days after Christmas, I had the house to myself, and I felt like going for a walk. I walked for a good three hours, headphones scoring my soundtrack. As I walked, I just thought over the stresses of my life, and I lifted them up to God. The countryside in BC is truly beautiful, and it was hard not to think of God’s amazing beauty through creation. Maybe while walking through the snow in downtown Regina, you’ll experience God’s beauty. God’s beauty is far greater than the Fraser Valley, or snowy prairies. It can even be found in an old photograph, or in that song that makes you close your eyes, in pure bliss. When you’re in one of those moments, why not thank God for it?
Once again, I’m not any sort of expert; I’m just a guy who’s trying to grow closer to God, which is what I hope you’re trying to do too. Before I go, I want to tell you a story about my friend Drew.
Drew and I used to play in a band, and we were pretty tight. When the band was living at my house in BC, Drew didn’t work, so he had a lot of time to kill during the day. So Drew killed time by walking. A lot. There were a few obvious reasons why someone would go on so many walks: it’s good for your health, it’s a nice escape, and it’s a time to be alone with your thoughts. But I was still always curious why he spent so much time going on walks, until one day. I asked Drew why he went on so many walks, and what he’d do on walks. He took a second to think about it, and he told me that he prayed. That was the best time for him to pray. If you chart the amount of praying he did, to the amount of walks he went on, that boy did a lot of praying. I always admired that about him; he really cared about prayer, and he understood how important and underrated it is.
I don’t know where Drew is, but I do know that he’s praying.
“Prayer is an existential struggle; we are in co-operation with God in creating our future.”
I think we underestimate ourselves far too often, humans that is. Think of how many people that you know, friends or family perhaps, that struggle with issues of self-worth, depression, or inferiority complexes. These aren’t uncommon; in fact they’re far too common. Gnosticism, subversively, runs rampant in our culture: how many times have you been subliminally bombarded with phrases like, “you’re never going to look as good as that model” or, “you’re never going to win the love of that person you adore.” Maybe you didn’t even notice it, but the next time you flip through ANY magazine, look at the advertisements and try to focus on how you’re being manipulated by them.
Let’s talk about Gnosticism really quickly (in plain terms; consult your local theologian for more information): Gnosticism is the theory that the flesh is detestable and all things spiritual are good. For example: a Gnostic believes that the only way to achieve “secret knowledge” is to deny their flesh. In our society, Gnosticism is apparent in more ways then you would think. Think of how often the spiritual is placed overtop of humanity. “I just wish I were dead, so I could be in heaven!” So that quote was said in humor, but you get the idea.
Now, the main point of this article is to demonstrate how often humans underestimate themselves, Gnosticism being an example. But I think that the greatest ways that humans have been fooled into thinking they’re insignificant is to believe that prayer is pointless. Prayer is one of the most interesting facets of Christian life; what other belief system features a believer in direct communication with their god? (I’m not incredibly educated on world religions, so if there are religions that do feature that, feel free to email me, and put me in my place.) As followers, we have the ability to talk with the creator of the universe.
Just try to fathom that for a minute.
Our creator loves us so much that he gave us the chance to lift our thoughts up to him.
I’ve never been a great example of a pray-er. I was raised on the “before-meal prayer” and the “before-bed prayer”. I figured that since I was putting in that time, that I was filling one of my God quotas (reading my Bible was a different quota). It never dawned on me that God actually wanted to be in conversation with me. Maybe I was too young to care, I don’t know. In high school, God turned into my conscious cleaner; anytime I needed to feel better about my lack of passion, or, negatively, my abundance of apathy, as I fell asleep I would ask God to forgive me for all of that. I don’t know why, it’s not like God meant that much to me in other aspects of my life, so I’m not sure why I felt I needed to ask for forgiveness. Even now, I don’t find myself spending as much time in prayer as I should, but I at least try to make an effort to let God in on what’s going on in my head.
So that’s me, I mean, I don’t know how, or when, you pray, but I think it’s crucial that each Christian spends time in prayer. So here’s my handy guide on how you might be able to fit some prayer into your hectic life. If none of these apply, email me with your situation, and with my all-knowing guidance, I will help turn you into the next Billy Graham. Please don’t quote me on that:
Jamison’s Guide to Praying in Chaos.
1. How often do you spend sitting in front of a TV? Try to avoid television. Our culture is far too apathetic and lazy as it is. We need to bring back our generation’s imagination, and one way to accomplish this is to get outside, away from television. Now here is where prayer can come in: try to spend the same amount of time that you spend watching television, in prayer. Yeah I know, it’s a big ordeal, but really, why should it be. The only reason it seems like a big task is because we’re so used to watching TV. Maybe you don’t watch TV, and maybe your thing is spending time on the Internet. I’m a victim of this: I can spend HOURS, literally, doing absolutely nothing on the Internet. If we can turn this time into time spent in prayer, the whole world will benefit.
2. Turn the mundane parts of life, into times of worship. How many of you commute? If you live in an urban center, there’s a good chance that you take some sort of transit system. Try praying for the people on your bus, or sky train, or whatever. Most of the times I’m on the bus, I’m just listening to music, staring out the window. Why not turn that half an hour, or however long, into a time of prayer.
*Note – Prayer doesn’t necessarily mean closing your eyes, folding your hands and bowing your head. Contrary to what your Sunday school teacher told you, you can pray with your eyes open, looking like a normal person. So if you’re scared to looking too evangelical on your bus, don’t worry, you can just sit and look sad like you normally do.
3. Get into creation. Because we all come from different climates, some of you may not be able to take advantage of this until the snow is gone, but for those of us that are blessed to have the sun, this is a great way to experience God. A few days after Christmas, I had the house to myself, and I felt like going for a walk. I walked for a good three hours, headphones scoring my soundtrack. As I walked, I just thought over the stresses of my life, and I lifted them up to God. The countryside in BC is truly beautiful, and it was hard not to think of God’s amazing beauty through creation. Maybe while walking through the snow in downtown Regina, you’ll experience God’s beauty. God’s beauty is far greater than the Fraser Valley, or snowy prairies. It can even be found in an old photograph, or in that song that makes you close your eyes, in pure bliss. When you’re in one of those moments, why not thank God for it?
Once again, I’m not any sort of expert; I’m just a guy who’s trying to grow closer to God, which is what I hope you’re trying to do too. Before I go, I want to tell you a story about my friend Drew.
Drew and I used to play in a band, and we were pretty tight. When the band was living at my house in BC, Drew didn’t work, so he had a lot of time to kill during the day. So Drew killed time by walking. A lot. There were a few obvious reasons why someone would go on so many walks: it’s good for your health, it’s a nice escape, and it’s a time to be alone with your thoughts. But I was still always curious why he spent so much time going on walks, until one day. I asked Drew why he went on so many walks, and what he’d do on walks. He took a second to think about it, and he told me that he prayed. That was the best time for him to pray. If you chart the amount of praying he did, to the amount of walks he went on, that boy did a lot of praying. I always admired that about him; he really cared about prayer, and he understood how important and underrated it is.
I don’t know where Drew is, but I do know that he’s praying.
“Prayer is an existential struggle; we are in co-operation with God in creating our future.”
Sunday, April 8, 2007
(but) what of this death i still dwell in?
part i. concentrate
have you ever been to a concentration camp?
i haven't.
but i saw some footage of auschwitz on tv the other night. it was foggy and getting dark outside, and there were unused train tracks and abandoned buildings and empty sidewalks and if you squinted with your mind you could see the people, all the people. i imagine if you are really there you must be able to feel them. to feel death pressing down on you from all around. but they're not there. how is it that we think we can feel the weight of the dead where they aren't? and how is it that we can't seem to feel it where they are?
part ii. just a little bit further
a girl i went to high school with was killed on the highway a few days ago.
it's hard to notice how close it really is until someone the same as you has to go. someone not old, or sick, or trying. what if i died tonight? i can't really perceive it. but it makes me curious about what things would be ceased. and the difference between those and the things that i never really began in the first place. y'know? the things you imagine would be ended if you ended, but that you then realize would merely be .. lost. because they were only in your imagination so far anyways.
lost possibilities are awfully tragic.
part iii. almost / not yet
"it's friday...but sunday's coming"
you may have heard of this. today at church my pastor played off one of his favorite stories/sermons. tony campolo has this tale about being the sixth of 7 speakers at a Good Friday service (at a mostly African-American pentecostal church), where the old preacher got up as number 7 and topped 'em all with one sentence: "it's friday...but sunday's coming." i would love to invite you into my time machine and visit the service this morning because it was pretty funny--jay likes interactive sermons, so he had all the cheesy white folks waving their hands around and shouting "keep it goin' brotha"s and "well, well"s as he strode around the aisles building up with this phrase.
to be quite honest, i've been living friday for far too many days now. if you know me, you've probably never or rarely seen me upset or down. i don't like to put that on people. and i know that's messed up. but i've kind of always somehow had to be the one there for other people to be able to be like that with. so after a while, as that person, you just keep your shit to yourself and turn off a piece of your heart i guess. i don't even think it happens on purpose. (this is all hindsight.) i also just tend to not let things get to me much. so i don't have that much junk to deal with anyways. each day has enough of its own and my life is in God's hands in the end. but lately, it's been the space between each day that gets me--the sleepless hour before sleep...where i try to resist but can't fight off the dread. where i know full well that the things i dread and despair are not even worth it, but somehow i've accidentally let the values of the world around me shape my thoughts and dreams...so that the way things ought to be and are becoming threaten these model homes of the mind.
do you know the feeling i mean? the feeling of lying in the dark at the end of a day of outrunning yourself, where all you want is a second wind in the escape that is unconsciousness, where your heart feels like it is being smothered by the expanding atmosphere that seems to've developed in your chest?
this is no place to live. and it's even worse when you know that, and you keep staying. sometimes you have to stay, for a time. but whether you mean to stay or not, you can only stay for so long.
every friday has its sunday.
he grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground.
he had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
he was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised...
surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted...
by oppression and judgement he was taken away.
and who can speak of his descendants?
for he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was stricken.
he was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth.
after the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities.
therefore i will give him a portion among the great, and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors.
( from Isaiah 53 )
he was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised...
surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted...
by oppression and judgement he was taken away.
and who can speak of his descendants?
for he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was stricken.
he was assigned a grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth.
after the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities.
therefore i will give him a portion among the great, and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors.
( from Isaiah 53 )
Thursday, April 5, 2007
The lies take form into the shadow of a mannequin
I am not what I appear to be. I am not what people assume that I am. Very few people actually know me.
Don't be intrigued by some fancy words I might throw at you. In fact, you should probably doubt a majority of the things I will tell you, as I am most likely saying them to try and impress you. Deceit is one of my stronger points.
I grew up in a small town. It was great. Where everyone knew everyone else on the playground, and everyone had to play for it even to be possible to have a game. That was elementary school. Then came junior high... Those times were quite a bit different. There still wasn't really any clicks, everyone still had to be in the same group for there to even be a group. The only difference now was, the most popular people were the ones who weren't scared to make fun of someone else. These years effected me greatly(sometimes for better.. sometimes worse)
In highschool I had the opportunity to go to Caronport, which led to me going to Briercrest for a year, which led me to meet some of the coolest people on the face of the planet.
That is a very brief history of my life.. Frontier and Caronport pretty much sums it up.. geographically atleast.
I have a unhealthy obsession with being independant. I hate asking for help(although I do succumb to it at certain points) This is all a product of my parents who gave absolutely everything to there children. My dad is the hardest working guy I've ever met and my mom is the most caring(almost to the point of smothering). It's happening more and more where I realize how much I'm becoming like them.
I grew up in a Christian home with Christian parents and Christian siblings and Christian friends. I grew up in the church, I grew up in trailblazers and youth group and bible study. I grew up without God. I still feel like I'm growing up without God sometimes (insert independent struggle here) Like many others, my faith was a pin that I wore on my sleeve, if not slightly hidden beneath the other patches that were my make believe personality.
I didn't really make a personal decision for Jesus Christ to enter my life until I was 16 at Valley View Bible Camp... and even then it was still just a decision with no basis for attempt. My faith isn't something that has sprung up over night. It's a faith that has its slow ups and downs with an even slower up hill climb. I am not a good Chrisian. If you take anything away from my ramblings here, It's that, if your going to base your idea of a Christian off of me.. I beg you to reconsider. I'm not saying that I'm not trying to live more like Christ... I'm saying that I fail more times than I would like to let on. Deceit is one of my stronger points.
Farewell.
Karl
Don't be intrigued by some fancy words I might throw at you. In fact, you should probably doubt a majority of the things I will tell you, as I am most likely saying them to try and impress you. Deceit is one of my stronger points.
I grew up in a small town. It was great. Where everyone knew everyone else on the playground, and everyone had to play for it even to be possible to have a game. That was elementary school. Then came junior high... Those times were quite a bit different. There still wasn't really any clicks, everyone still had to be in the same group for there to even be a group. The only difference now was, the most popular people were the ones who weren't scared to make fun of someone else. These years effected me greatly(sometimes for better.. sometimes worse)
In highschool I had the opportunity to go to Caronport, which led to me going to Briercrest for a year, which led me to meet some of the coolest people on the face of the planet.
That is a very brief history of my life.. Frontier and Caronport pretty much sums it up.. geographically atleast.
I have a unhealthy obsession with being independant. I hate asking for help(although I do succumb to it at certain points) This is all a product of my parents who gave absolutely everything to there children. My dad is the hardest working guy I've ever met and my mom is the most caring(almost to the point of smothering). It's happening more and more where I realize how much I'm becoming like them.
I grew up in a Christian home with Christian parents and Christian siblings and Christian friends. I grew up in the church, I grew up in trailblazers and youth group and bible study. I grew up without God. I still feel like I'm growing up without God sometimes (insert independent struggle here) Like many others, my faith was a pin that I wore on my sleeve, if not slightly hidden beneath the other patches that were my make believe personality.
I didn't really make a personal decision for Jesus Christ to enter my life until I was 16 at Valley View Bible Camp... and even then it was still just a decision with no basis for attempt. My faith isn't something that has sprung up over night. It's a faith that has its slow ups and downs with an even slower up hill climb. I am not a good Chrisian. If you take anything away from my ramblings here, It's that, if your going to base your idea of a Christian off of me.. I beg you to reconsider. I'm not saying that I'm not trying to live more like Christ... I'm saying that I fail more times than I would like to let on. Deceit is one of my stronger points.
Farewell.
Karl
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
003//brainy
i spent a lot of time in the mirror today, trying to get a good picture of my new fillings. basically, this is the best one.
first music recommendation:
the national
the main way i hear about new music is through a lovely medium called MP3 blogs. it's basically a blog where an internet saavy music nerd (not too different from myself) posts new MP3s, by the hippest new bands. now, i'm not going to turn this blog into that, because (believe me) there's plenty of them out there already. on the other hand, i am going to take advantage of the internet, and try to expose some really great bands to you, the huddled masses. this evening, we've got the new york band that got me through my dentist appointment today: The National. let me tell you the first thing you are going to notice about this band: the voice, that deep, soulful, baritone of lead singer matt berninger. the next thing that will make itself apparent is the lush instrumentation. these guys aren't your typical indie rock band: imagine sufjan and interpol getting together for a pretentious-free sing along. speaking of mr. stevens, he in fact guest appears on the National's soon-to-be-released/already-leaked-into-my-itunes record, "boxer". when it hits the shelves, you should really pick it up. if you're dying for some sounds immediately, try to find their breakthrough record, "alligator", which also is amazing.
MP3: The National - Fake Empire (which appears on the upcoming "boxer")
Stream: The National on Myspace
first music recommendation:
the national
the main way i hear about new music is through a lovely medium called MP3 blogs. it's basically a blog where an internet saavy music nerd (not too different from myself) posts new MP3s, by the hippest new bands. now, i'm not going to turn this blog into that, because (believe me) there's plenty of them out there already. on the other hand, i am going to take advantage of the internet, and try to expose some really great bands to you, the huddled masses. this evening, we've got the new york band that got me through my dentist appointment today: The National. let me tell you the first thing you are going to notice about this band: the voice, that deep, soulful, baritone of lead singer matt berninger. the next thing that will make itself apparent is the lush instrumentation. these guys aren't your typical indie rock band: imagine sufjan and interpol getting together for a pretentious-free sing along. speaking of mr. stevens, he in fact guest appears on the National's soon-to-be-released/already-leaked-into-my-itunes record, "boxer". when it hits the shelves, you should really pick it up. if you're dying for some sounds immediately, try to find their breakthrough record, "alligator", which also is amazing.
MP3: The National - Fake Empire (which appears on the upcoming "boxer")
Stream: The National on Myspace
shrimp
jamison is really good at writing stuff.
if you haven't read his intro / bio yet, you should. it is directly below this. he is one swell kid. you will love him if you don't already.
after reading his shpiel, i felt like my own initial intro was kind of the typical, abstract, snapshot that i offer if i open my mind or mouth. and that kind of a thing, while it is alright in that it keeps an interpretation-friendly distance between us, is not terribly conducive to the kind of community we have in mind here. so i just figured "hey! since we're all being friends and loving each other, why not let them have a chance to love whole-me instead of just photo-booth-me?"
hi. i'm shaina. i made a pact with myself to grow my hair for 3 years. it's been 2. today i wore my hair down and noticed that it is really really long. i have on Nightmare Before Christmas slippers. k, now that you have a mental image of me, here's my story:
i was born in a small city in southern sk, and coincidentally, i was also a chill baby. that was how i got my start in doing-my-own-thing i suppose. i've always been pretty happy to just entertain myself and not take anything too seriously or react hastily. i don't know if i could say i grew up with a constant like music...but if i could think of one thing my parents represented and reinforced, it'd be hard work. my dad is my supreme role model--he is a farmer/mechanic who doesn't owe anyone a dime and who never complains about a thing. i'm the oldest of 2 kids and we have both been "christians" since we were wee ones. i wish i had a cool story about wanting "the power" or something...the only thing that comes to mind when i consider that is this time i was like 3 and we were at west ed mall and i saw this roller coaster, but i mean i was THREE so i had a limited vocabulary, and i was like "i want to go on the train!" so all the adults were like "train? where did she see that??" and toted me off to find this elusive "train" i spoke of... as it turned out, there was actually a train...that took you through a HAUNTED HOUSE! gah! needless to say, awful. oh yeah, so about what i was talking about before i told that story...(this happens a lot with me. only when it's in person, i usually lose myself and it's best if i'm with someone who can hold my initial story for me like i might get them to hold my purse while i do something else for a minute)...
maybe a new paragraph will help? alright so i decided to "give my life to God" at a pretty dang young age, but the thing about that is, i never really got a chance to choose it with an adult mind/heart. until the time i realized i'd never really chosen it at all. when i was about 16, i figured out that what i believed in was just something i had on a shelf. (a helpful visual: did you ever have some kind of trinket or piece of kitsch that your mom put in your room when you were a kid, and it just kind of...remained there? into your adolescent life? one of those weird little things that had always been there and was so familiar and normal to have there that you just didn't bother to get rid of it or ask yourself "what's that doing in here" and maybe your friends would notice because it kind of didn't fit in with the band posters and bottles and books...) it was "part of my life." that sucked. because really, all it was in that respect, was a weak reason to get up on sunday mornings and a set of rules being enforced by a cosmic cop via my parents. so, in response to a numinous nudge that seemed to say, "shaina. i'm for real. but i'm not who they told you i am. and you can't find me where they say i am. come outside...", i decided to just go ahead and let it be my life. i won't say too much about it 'cause it all just sounds like hokey-doodle blessings-on-ya banter if i try to condense it in a logical way. so, reverting to token shaina form, back to the abstract! i think a lot of what the human race considers to be God-related is actually bullshit. no one bothers to plant something these days, they just pick the fruit off someone else's plant. or worse yet, they blindly buy it from a bin. remember the time they banned carrots for a while because they found out the distributers were using human feces for fertilizer?? well. that is what i think about just negligently adopting and incorporating other people's produce (literal, spiritual, intellectual, philosophical, you name it) into your life. it could be total shit! and yeah, i curse sometimes. because until i hermeneutically deduce that curse words and not dirty judgemental and condemning and racist and hateful words were the words the bible was talking about not letting come out of your mouth, i'm not entirely sure they're that bad to use.
but basically, that is me in a nutshell. anything else (ie: what movies i like, what flavor of cola i prefer, my "career plans,") is just filler. i believe in loving God and loving my neighbor. i believe in seeking first his kingdom and his righteousness. i fricken love people and i don't think a-one of 'em is hopeless or meaningless.
if you want an outside opinion on who i am and what my purpose is, here is a review from my best friend (she was just telling me on msn how she was trying to explain me to her cousin who reads my myspace blogs):
"i was trying to describe to her how you think.. like that you don't want to conform to everything.. and you make people think about things and question why they believe something.. if they are just doing it cause everyone else is and whatnot." --kim
and if you want to come up with your own opinion, i feverishly support that.
if you haven't read his intro / bio yet, you should. it is directly below this. he is one swell kid. you will love him if you don't already.
after reading his shpiel, i felt like my own initial intro was kind of the typical, abstract, snapshot that i offer if i open my mind or mouth. and that kind of a thing, while it is alright in that it keeps an interpretation-friendly distance between us, is not terribly conducive to the kind of community we have in mind here. so i just figured "hey! since we're all being friends and loving each other, why not let them have a chance to love whole-me instead of just photo-booth-me?"
hi. i'm shaina. i made a pact with myself to grow my hair for 3 years. it's been 2. today i wore my hair down and noticed that it is really really long. i have on Nightmare Before Christmas slippers. k, now that you have a mental image of me, here's my story:
i was born in a small city in southern sk, and coincidentally, i was also a chill baby. that was how i got my start in doing-my-own-thing i suppose. i've always been pretty happy to just entertain myself and not take anything too seriously or react hastily. i don't know if i could say i grew up with a constant like music...but if i could think of one thing my parents represented and reinforced, it'd be hard work. my dad is my supreme role model--he is a farmer/mechanic who doesn't owe anyone a dime and who never complains about a thing. i'm the oldest of 2 kids and we have both been "christians" since we were wee ones. i wish i had a cool story about wanting "the power" or something...the only thing that comes to mind when i consider that is this time i was like 3 and we were at west ed mall and i saw this roller coaster, but i mean i was THREE so i had a limited vocabulary, and i was like "i want to go on the train!" so all the adults were like "train? where did she see that??" and toted me off to find this elusive "train" i spoke of... as it turned out, there was actually a train...that took you through a HAUNTED HOUSE! gah! needless to say, awful. oh yeah, so about what i was talking about before i told that story...(this happens a lot with me. only when it's in person, i usually lose myself and it's best if i'm with someone who can hold my initial story for me like i might get them to hold my purse while i do something else for a minute)...
maybe a new paragraph will help? alright so i decided to "give my life to God" at a pretty dang young age, but the thing about that is, i never really got a chance to choose it with an adult mind/heart. until the time i realized i'd never really chosen it at all. when i was about 16, i figured out that what i believed in was just something i had on a shelf. (a helpful visual: did you ever have some kind of trinket or piece of kitsch that your mom put in your room when you were a kid, and it just kind of...remained there? into your adolescent life? one of those weird little things that had always been there and was so familiar and normal to have there that you just didn't bother to get rid of it or ask yourself "what's that doing in here" and maybe your friends would notice because it kind of didn't fit in with the band posters and bottles and books...) it was "part of my life." that sucked. because really, all it was in that respect, was a weak reason to get up on sunday mornings and a set of rules being enforced by a cosmic cop via my parents. so, in response to a numinous nudge that seemed to say, "shaina. i'm for real. but i'm not who they told you i am. and you can't find me where they say i am. come outside...", i decided to just go ahead and let it be my life. i won't say too much about it 'cause it all just sounds like hokey-doodle blessings-on-ya banter if i try to condense it in a logical way. so, reverting to token shaina form, back to the abstract! i think a lot of what the human race considers to be God-related is actually bullshit. no one bothers to plant something these days, they just pick the fruit off someone else's plant. or worse yet, they blindly buy it from a bin. remember the time they banned carrots for a while because they found out the distributers were using human feces for fertilizer?? well. that is what i think about just negligently adopting and incorporating other people's produce (literal, spiritual, intellectual, philosophical, you name it) into your life. it could be total shit! and yeah, i curse sometimes. because until i hermeneutically deduce that curse words and not dirty judgemental and condemning and racist and hateful words were the words the bible was talking about not letting come out of your mouth, i'm not entirely sure they're that bad to use.
but basically, that is me in a nutshell. anything else (ie: what movies i like, what flavor of cola i prefer, my "career plans,") is just filler. i believe in loving God and loving my neighbor. i believe in seeking first his kingdom and his righteousness. i fricken love people and i don't think a-one of 'em is hopeless or meaningless.
if you want an outside opinion on who i am and what my purpose is, here is a review from my best friend (she was just telling me on msn how she was trying to explain me to her cousin who reads my myspace blogs):
"i was trying to describe to her how you think.. like that you don't want to conform to everything.. and you make people think about things and question why they believe something.. if they are just doing it cause everyone else is and whatnot." --kim
and if you want to come up with your own opinion, i feverishly support that.
002//orca
I spent forty-five minutes with my mouth wired open today. Needless to say, my jaw is a little sore, but lying under the precision of that drill, the National in my ears, I had time to think about what my first article would be on. I think the first thing I need to do is properly introduce myself. I mean, why would you want to listen to me, or take me seriously if you don’t feel some sort of connection with me.
I was born in the middle of the 80s, amidst the Smiths, the Cure and probably the tail end of the whole new-wave thing. The Police had already split (no surprises), big poofy hair was stylish, and I was born into a world that I didn’t seem to mind. I think the reason I didn’t cry much as a baby (my parents let me know this, I can’t remember for the life of me) was because I was a pretty big fan of life. My parents say that I could sleep for hours on end (still love it) and that I loved it when they’d play music (sometimes love it). Music was the biggest thing in my life since I can remember; both my parents are musical, and I’ve been surrounded, influenced and in love with it for my entire life. The first band I can really remember falling in love with was the Beach Boys. I have this vivid memory of my Dad and I driving around the city on a gray day, listening to Pet Sounds. I am taken back to that memory every time I hear “Sloop John B”. The other major influence on my life has been my involvement/subjection to the church. My parents were both raised in the Mennonite church, and I too followed the trail. I think I technically became a Christian at the age of five, when I asked my parents how I could get “the power.” Confused, they asked me what I meant, and when I told them that I wanted the power that my two (heroic) older cousins had, I think they got what I was trying to say. Then again, they also said that later I said, “I want the power to fly”, so I mean, who knows where I was coming from. Either way, That Christian influence has been in my life for its entirety. I haven’t always been a great follower (see High School) and I’m still not any sort of spiritual guru (who really is), but I can safely say, for probably the first time in my life, that I do actually love God. That concept was always very strange to me: How can one love something/someone that isn’t flesh and bones? How can you love something that isn’t tangible, or even non-existent? I think I’ve been trying to figure out those questions for my entire life. Hopefully, through this, you’ll let to follow me along the way; I’m all about community.
On a less serious note (yet still grave and serious), my mouth really hurts.
I was born in the middle of the 80s, amidst the Smiths, the Cure and probably the tail end of the whole new-wave thing. The Police had already split (no surprises), big poofy hair was stylish, and I was born into a world that I didn’t seem to mind. I think the reason I didn’t cry much as a baby (my parents let me know this, I can’t remember for the life of me) was because I was a pretty big fan of life. My parents say that I could sleep for hours on end (still love it) and that I loved it when they’d play music (sometimes love it). Music was the biggest thing in my life since I can remember; both my parents are musical, and I’ve been surrounded, influenced and in love with it for my entire life. The first band I can really remember falling in love with was the Beach Boys. I have this vivid memory of my Dad and I driving around the city on a gray day, listening to Pet Sounds. I am taken back to that memory every time I hear “Sloop John B”. The other major influence on my life has been my involvement/subjection to the church. My parents were both raised in the Mennonite church, and I too followed the trail. I think I technically became a Christian at the age of five, when I asked my parents how I could get “the power.” Confused, they asked me what I meant, and when I told them that I wanted the power that my two (heroic) older cousins had, I think they got what I was trying to say. Then again, they also said that later I said, “I want the power to fly”, so I mean, who knows where I was coming from. Either way, That Christian influence has been in my life for its entirety. I haven’t always been a great follower (see High School) and I’m still not any sort of spiritual guru (who really is), but I can safely say, for probably the first time in my life, that I do actually love God. That concept was always very strange to me: How can one love something/someone that isn’t flesh and bones? How can you love something that isn’t tangible, or even non-existent? I think I’ve been trying to figure out those questions for my entire life. Hopefully, through this, you’ll let to follow me along the way; I’m all about community.
On a less serious note (yet still grave and serious), my mouth really hurts.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Counting the comments and tallying the score.
Hey guys, so I figured I would say hello before I have to leave for my weekly Squash team meeting. But yeah, just some words of wisdom.. Listen to what I have to say, you never know how.. or why.. but it may just save your life some day... SERIOUSLY!!!!
moo!
moo!
version 2.0
" shaina's interpretation of how this really came to be"
(or "proof as copy & pasted from msn windows")
* shaina says:
today i thought of a pretty decent idea
* shaina says:
because i would like to write books right. only i get sick of something too soon and i would probably HATE writing traditional sized / formatted books
* shaina says:
so i was like .. um, i should just write books the size of magazines
* shaina says:
or, "books" like this that are just small collections of different "articles" or "chapters" if you will
* shaina says:
and that way also
* shaina says:
people who aren't really into committing to an entire book on a topic (or series of books on series of topics) can just pick that kind of a resource up
* shaina says:
more-than-a-magazine, less-than-a-book
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
sorry, i had to go be a tough guy and help rob put his bass amp in his car
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
i'll catch up
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
YEAH YEAH
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
let me write for you
* shaina says:
oh, muscle man!
* shaina says:
hahah
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
i'm a huge person
* shaina says:
okay! i would LOVE that
* shaina says:
(yes yes you are)
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
give me something to write on
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
HEY
* shaina says:
we can collaborate
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
let's start the blog right now
* shaina says:
for real
* shaina says:
and then someone will pick up on it and we will be a huge underground hit
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
what's the "zine" going to be called?
* shaina says:
but not for the money
* shaina says:
or the chicks
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
i'm in it for the chicks!
* shaina says:
just for the kingdom
* shaina says:
k
* shaina says:
mahaha
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
christian girls who work in librarys and don't like evangelical dualism
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
who have cute plastic frames
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
that's all i need
* shaina says:
pffffffffff hahahaha
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
http://justforthekingdom.blogspot.com
* shaina says:
hahahaha
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
it doesn't exist yet!
* shaina says:
well duh
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
i'm going to write my first article about this band, and how great they are: www.myspace.com/loneydear
* shaina says:
oh yeah i gave 'em a listen the other night. or .. him. whatev
* shaina says:
i wasn't into it at the time
* shaina says:
maybe i am now....LET'S FIND OUT!
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
try listening to "i am john"
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
and DANCE
* shaina says:
(that will be my special section in the resource: "LET'S FIND OUT!" with shaina)
* shaina says:
where i'll try all kinds of crazy shit
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
ahahahaha
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
"this week on 'let's find out': shaina eats ostrich meant"
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
*meat
* shaina says:
you fricken know it
* shaina says:
only i am not really as daring as i make myself out to be
* shaina says:
and i wouldn't want it to seem like some sort of YTV segment
* shaina says:
so i'd probably try things that are so unimpressive that they are groundbreaking in that right
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
yeah, i can dig
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
i LOVE THIS GUY!
[ hair washing / blog building interlude ]
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
let's get karl to write for it too
* shaina says:
yeah good idea!
* shaina says:
dear karl,
jamison and i just started a...well something based on an idea i had today...it's kind of a baby-version of what i invented. you are cordially invited to be on the team of authors. we just decided. we like your brain. and your heart.
from, shaina
Karl says:
Dear Shaina,
I would be privileged to write in such a profound place.
From, Karl
aren't we sweet friends??
if i were you, i would be jealous of us.
or...join us?
<3 <3 <3
(or "proof as copy & pasted from msn windows")
* shaina says:
today i thought of a pretty decent idea
* shaina says:
because i would like to write books right. only i get sick of something too soon and i would probably HATE writing traditional sized / formatted books
* shaina says:
so i was like .. um, i should just write books the size of magazines
* shaina says:
or, "books" like this that are just small collections of different "articles" or "chapters" if you will
* shaina says:
and that way also
* shaina says:
people who aren't really into committing to an entire book on a topic (or series of books on series of topics) can just pick that kind of a resource up
* shaina says:
more-than-a-magazine, less-than-a-book
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
sorry, i had to go be a tough guy and help rob put his bass amp in his car
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
i'll catch up
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
YEAH YEAH
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
let me write for you
* shaina says:
oh, muscle man!
* shaina says:
hahah
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
i'm a huge person
* shaina says:
okay! i would LOVE that
* shaina says:
(yes yes you are)
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
give me something to write on
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
HEY
* shaina says:
we can collaborate
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
let's start the blog right now
* shaina says:
for real
* shaina says:
and then someone will pick up on it and we will be a huge underground hit
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
what's the "zine" going to be called?
* shaina says:
but not for the money
* shaina says:
or the chicks
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
i'm in it for the chicks!
* shaina says:
just for the kingdom
* shaina says:
k
* shaina says:
mahaha
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
christian girls who work in librarys and don't like evangelical dualism
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
who have cute plastic frames
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
that's all i need
* shaina says:
pffffffffff hahahaha
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
http://justforthekingdom.blogspot.com
* shaina says:
hahahaha
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
it doesn't exist yet!
* shaina says:
well duh
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
i'm going to write my first article about this band, and how great they are: www.myspace.com/loneydear
* shaina says:
oh yeah i gave 'em a listen the other night. or .. him. whatev
* shaina says:
i wasn't into it at the time
* shaina says:
maybe i am now....LET'S FIND OUT!
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
try listening to "i am john"
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
and DANCE
* shaina says:
(that will be my special section in the resource: "LET'S FIND OUT!" with shaina)
* shaina says:
where i'll try all kinds of crazy shit
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
ahahahaha
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
"this week on 'let's find out': shaina eats ostrich meant"
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
*meat
* shaina says:
you fricken know it
* shaina says:
only i am not really as daring as i make myself out to be
* shaina says:
and i wouldn't want it to seem like some sort of YTV segment
* shaina says:
so i'd probably try things that are so unimpressive that they are groundbreaking in that right
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
yeah, i can dig
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
i LOVE THIS GUY!
[ hair washing / blog building interlude ]
Jamison. (lose yourself in summer thoughts) says:
let's get karl to write for it too
* shaina says:
yeah good idea!
* shaina says:
dear karl,
jamison and i just started a...well something based on an idea i had today...it's kind of a baby-version of what i invented. you are cordially invited to be on the team of authors. we just decided. we like your brain. and your heart.
from, shaina
Karl says:
Dear Shaina,
I would be privileged to write in such a profound place.
From, Karl
aren't we sweet friends??
if i were you, i would be jealous of us.
or...join us?
<3 <3 <3
001.1//salutations.
here's how things went down.
one warm evening, while sipping iced lemonade drinks on the front porch of their quaint three bedroom rancher, karl, shaina and jamison were discussing literature. after a rousing debate over whether barth was a better writer than lewis (obvious), the three collectively (mostly shaina) decided that they too were going to throw their hats into the collective literature pool, swimming with sharks, pirhannas and a lone baby seal, who was out to get those hats. jamison, the interweb saavy one, decided that a Web Log may be the best way to get our delectable anecdotes to the starving masses. after several heated discussions over the colours, fonts, and name (karl and jamison literally fought with knives over the visited link colour; a gruesome affair), plenty of arizona ice tea and almost 35 repeated spinnings of 'bookends' by simon and garfunkel, it was decided on:
http://justforthekingdom.blogspot.com
we bring some things to the table: words, wit, pictures, rock and roll songs and charming good looks.
want to contribute? we're always looking for good looking writers who can bench at least 250. if you don't meet those requirements, give us a shout anyways.
justforthekingdom@gmail.com
good night, tired eyes.
one warm evening, while sipping iced lemonade drinks on the front porch of their quaint three bedroom rancher, karl, shaina and jamison were discussing literature. after a rousing debate over whether barth was a better writer than lewis (obvious), the three collectively (mostly shaina) decided that they too were going to throw their hats into the collective literature pool, swimming with sharks, pirhannas and a lone baby seal, who was out to get those hats. jamison, the interweb saavy one, decided that a Web Log may be the best way to get our delectable anecdotes to the starving masses. after several heated discussions over the colours, fonts, and name (karl and jamison literally fought with knives over the visited link colour; a gruesome affair), plenty of arizona ice tea and almost 35 repeated spinnings of 'bookends' by simon and garfunkel, it was decided on:
http://justforthekingdom.blogspot.com
we bring some things to the table: words, wit, pictures, rock and roll songs and charming good looks.
want to contribute? we're always looking for good looking writers who can bench at least 250. if you don't meet those requirements, give us a shout anyways.
justforthekingdom@gmail.com
good night, tired eyes.
call me
"there is something strange in your voice when you call
(everything i had everything i wanted is so far away)
it's out of my reach"
i'm shaina.
today i thought about dropping out of college.
17 days from graduating. with a BA. that took me 5 years.
not because i want to make a point. and not because i'm a quitter.
i thought about it because, holy-o, what kind of a sick sacrifice would that be.
and not like, what kind of show-off value would it have, but what kind of inert, personal sacrifice would it prove itself. my parents would freak.out. my profs would think i'm nuts and no doubt be offended. my friends would think i'm just pissed off or something. i could be throwing away tons of "sensible" or "rewarding" job opportunities and shots at personal acclaim. closing doors. giving up opportunities.
but in all honesty...i don't want any of those things. and i don't care what anyone else perceives or interprets it as. all i care about is making damn sure i'm doing the will of God.
i have this propensity to think in terms of things that fly in the face of the expected and the sanctioned. i have an obsession with corrective perspective and if i could have a concept as a pet, it would be reformation.
so seriously, i couldn't decide what would be more effective in the life i feel called to live:
a) having the degree
or
b) having let it go
i am just not that into labels and measurements. i spent my entire school career getting A's and it didn't mean a thing. letters are so unmotivating. identity is such a waste of time. i'm going to die after all. i don't want to own my life. (that's like wanting to own the sky or the seasons.)
i have been in bible college for 5 years. and i miss God so much.
it seems these days that everything (even the thing that can come under the guise of good) wants to pull you away from the call, from the course. from the Voice calling you. sometimes you trust their tunes, like sirens inviting you, sailor, to your death on a rocky shore...
(everything i had everything i wanted is so far away)
it's out of my reach"
i'm shaina.
today i thought about dropping out of college.
17 days from graduating. with a BA. that took me 5 years.
not because i want to make a point. and not because i'm a quitter.
i thought about it because, holy-o, what kind of a sick sacrifice would that be.
and not like, what kind of show-off value would it have, but what kind of inert, personal sacrifice would it prove itself. my parents would freak.out. my profs would think i'm nuts and no doubt be offended. my friends would think i'm just pissed off or something. i could be throwing away tons of "sensible" or "rewarding" job opportunities and shots at personal acclaim. closing doors. giving up opportunities.
but in all honesty...i don't want any of those things. and i don't care what anyone else perceives or interprets it as. all i care about is making damn sure i'm doing the will of God.
i have this propensity to think in terms of things that fly in the face of the expected and the sanctioned. i have an obsession with corrective perspective and if i could have a concept as a pet, it would be reformation.
so seriously, i couldn't decide what would be more effective in the life i feel called to live:
a) having the degree
or
b) having let it go
i am just not that into labels and measurements. i spent my entire school career getting A's and it didn't mean a thing. letters are so unmotivating. identity is such a waste of time. i'm going to die after all. i don't want to own my life. (that's like wanting to own the sky or the seasons.)
i have been in bible college for 5 years. and i miss God so much.
it seems these days that everything (even the thing that can come under the guise of good) wants to pull you away from the call, from the course. from the Voice calling you. sometimes you trust their tunes, like sirens inviting you, sailor, to your death on a rocky shore...
001//bookends.
dear sinus infection.
can't nobody take my pride.
nobody's gonna hold me down.
oh no.
i got to keep on mooovin.
love,
jamison.
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