i haven't posted anything of any inner-thinkings in some time, so let's take this time to do some delving:
- i've found myself a lot more discontent with Christians as off late. whether it's seeing them at work (rude, demanding pricks, especially towards customer service workers), church functions (clique-y, and more often than not, narrow-minded and sheltered) or in every day life, it's easy to point out what's wrong with evangelicals nowadays. i find myself in a strange middle ground, where i'm not a fascist fundamentalist, but i still have faith, and wouldn't think of abandoning it for a "worldly life". it's frustrating to not have a community where i feel accepted: at work i'm too christian, and church i'm too worldly. i guess it's really just what God cares about, and not what others do, but it's hard not to think of those things.
- i don't risk things enough. a peer of mine just told me that she was going to be attending a school for discipleship in Jamaica, and China after that. can you imagine leaving a comfortable life, and getting thrown into a foreign land, all in the name of God? can you even imagine the kind of risks and sacrifices that persecuted Christians have to endure each day of their lives!? people are dying in the name of our saviour, and we're worried about whether we can get to fucking McDonalds before the second service starts. we're SO blind, and we're so North American. this generation of Christians needs an Andy Warhol: someone who is counter-cultural and innovative in faith. *blown mind warning* here's the catch: WE HAVE A PERSON LIKE THAT: JESUS. why are we so swayed by our idols, and why aren't we more like Jesus.
so there's two thoughts for you. sorry for the gratuitous eff bomb, those things happen.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
...too much to ask of you
hey friends. i wrote up this long, rather emo, reflection last night. i didn't want my other journal to start feeling too redundant, or too filled with fragmented thoughts... so i'm posting it here instead.
a simple thought which turns into an internal dialog;
I've been wondering something today- A lot of self-help books, that i have ignored, put across this idea that you have to be perfect, or balanced in order to have a healthy relationship with someone.
And well meaning Christ-Help books, which I have considered, share the same idea, with well meaning words and compassion. One particular book reads "If you try and enter into a relationship without a sense of completeness, every relationship will be an attempt to complete yourself".
So thats the idea I'm wrestling with today. Basically, I'll break into a long narrative now, I had a lot of ambiguous relationships growing up. My parent's relationship fell apart when I was in grade 7, and that broke me. I didn't date in high school, mainly because i didn't think girls like me. The one relationship i had in high school was with a girl i didn't like, and i was only in it because i thought "i might as well take what i can get".
Because of all this i have a distorted outlook on love. I expect people to reject me so i try and win approval, i sell myself short because i feel like i don't deserve it. My friends don't see the real me often enough- they see the cliche me that is lonely, and therefore hopelessly romantic. In that i spend so much time chasing after a relationship that i miss the point of love completely.
What I'm getting at is that I have a hard time reconciling with love. I'm trapped in this paradox that says "because i have been broken in the past, and because i have a messed up view of relationships, i myself should not be in a relationship".
It becomes "because I was denied love, I can't have love".
And so theres this fear of entering a relationship with all my emotion baggage, and brokenness, because i would expect too much of the other person. i would expect them to fix me. So, another idea is developed- that i need to fix myself before i can love someone.
That shouldn't be my view of love. That is simply not what love is. Love is carrying each other's stuff. Its saying "we are in this together". Its wrong for me to expect a relationship to fix me, but its also wrong to think that i am incapable of being loved.
~
I've said this before- I think about relationships every day of my life. I'm not exaggerating. Either its the strange blessing I have been given, or... its the longing for something deeper that i have been given. I want my relationships to reflect a deeper sense of belonging, of openness. I want my relationships to be everything i was denied as a kid...
I want to feel like I'm worth something to someone.
~
Too often our views on broken relationships are transfered to Christ- no-one liked me as a kid, so why would Jesus like me? I can't find anyone who will love me, even with all the stupid things i do, so why would Jesus want to love me?
Theres an entire religion that says "you have to have your stuff together in order to find love". The truth is there are two laws that Jesus held in esteem, above every other Hebrew law- Love God, and love people.
I don't have to resort to wondering whats wrong with me, and making that the reason for every rejection i feel. But I do anyway. There shouldn't be entire "churches" built on this idea. But there are.
Donald Miller put it best (as he always does) in a lecture for Seattle Pacific University (which you can download free on ITunes, shame-less plug). He said that its not about religion, its about relationship. Its about believing the truth, that Christ desires a relationship with me, over the lie, that i have to fix myself before Christ can love me.
all this does is keep us from the intimate, understanding, personal relationship with Christ- someone to talk to when we feel like a loser, and someone to hold us close when we feel alone.
Now, if only we, as followers of Christ, would stop bitching about how sinners are taking over the world and started loving like Jesus did... If the Church was anything like the loving community that it was intended to be...If only I myself started loving like Jesus did... maybe we all wouldn't feel so lonely, and worthless.
~
I had this image in my head last night, when i was trying to describe all these ideas to my roommate. i told him, "its like you're trying to save a person from falling off the cliff. There is the superhero approach that sits at the top of the cliff trying to pull a friend up by a rope, and there is the human approach. The human approach is being beside the person on the cliff, helping them get to safety."
being beside a person. I think that this approach makes a huge difference. Rather than try and play "secure" we should be honest with whats really going on, deep down.
thats shalom, in all its simplicity. hm. and there are probably a hundred better ways to describe it.
a simple thought which turns into an internal dialog;
I've been wondering something today- A lot of self-help books, that i have ignored, put across this idea that you have to be perfect, or balanced in order to have a healthy relationship with someone.
And well meaning Christ-Help books, which I have considered, share the same idea, with well meaning words and compassion. One particular book reads "If you try and enter into a relationship without a sense of completeness, every relationship will be an attempt to complete yourself".
So thats the idea I'm wrestling with today. Basically, I'll break into a long narrative now, I had a lot of ambiguous relationships growing up. My parent's relationship fell apart when I was in grade 7, and that broke me. I didn't date in high school, mainly because i didn't think girls like me. The one relationship i had in high school was with a girl i didn't like, and i was only in it because i thought "i might as well take what i can get".
Because of all this i have a distorted outlook on love. I expect people to reject me so i try and win approval, i sell myself short because i feel like i don't deserve it. My friends don't see the real me often enough- they see the cliche me that is lonely, and therefore hopelessly romantic. In that i spend so much time chasing after a relationship that i miss the point of love completely.
What I'm getting at is that I have a hard time reconciling with love. I'm trapped in this paradox that says "because i have been broken in the past, and because i have a messed up view of relationships, i myself should not be in a relationship".
It becomes "because I was denied love, I can't have love".
And so theres this fear of entering a relationship with all my emotion baggage, and brokenness, because i would expect too much of the other person. i would expect them to fix me. So, another idea is developed- that i need to fix myself before i can love someone.
That shouldn't be my view of love. That is simply not what love is. Love is carrying each other's stuff. Its saying "we are in this together". Its wrong for me to expect a relationship to fix me, but its also wrong to think that i am incapable of being loved.
~
I've said this before- I think about relationships every day of my life. I'm not exaggerating. Either its the strange blessing I have been given, or... its the longing for something deeper that i have been given. I want my relationships to reflect a deeper sense of belonging, of openness. I want my relationships to be everything i was denied as a kid...
I want to feel like I'm worth something to someone.
~
Too often our views on broken relationships are transfered to Christ- no-one liked me as a kid, so why would Jesus like me? I can't find anyone who will love me, even with all the stupid things i do, so why would Jesus want to love me?
Theres an entire religion that says "you have to have your stuff together in order to find love". The truth is there are two laws that Jesus held in esteem, above every other Hebrew law- Love God, and love people.
I don't have to resort to wondering whats wrong with me, and making that the reason for every rejection i feel. But I do anyway. There shouldn't be entire "churches" built on this idea. But there are.
Donald Miller put it best (as he always does) in a lecture for Seattle Pacific University (which you can download free on ITunes, shame-less plug). He said that its not about religion, its about relationship. Its about believing the truth, that Christ desires a relationship with me, over the lie, that i have to fix myself before Christ can love me.
all this does is keep us from the intimate, understanding, personal relationship with Christ- someone to talk to when we feel like a loser, and someone to hold us close when we feel alone.
Now, if only we, as followers of Christ, would stop bitching about how sinners are taking over the world and started loving like Jesus did... If the Church was anything like the loving community that it was intended to be...If only I myself started loving like Jesus did... maybe we all wouldn't feel so lonely, and worthless.
~
I had this image in my head last night, when i was trying to describe all these ideas to my roommate. i told him, "its like you're trying to save a person from falling off the cliff. There is the superhero approach that sits at the top of the cliff trying to pull a friend up by a rope, and there is the human approach. The human approach is being beside the person on the cliff, helping them get to safety."
being beside a person. I think that this approach makes a huge difference. Rather than try and play "secure" we should be honest with whats really going on, deep down.
thats shalom, in all its simplicity. hm. and there are probably a hundred better ways to describe it.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
013//gifts
at the end of the month, i'm going to victoria to record an ep with my friend aidan knight. in light of these new, good recordings, i've decided to share all my demos with you lovely people. enjoy!
1. the things we truly miss
2. alone in the moonlight
3. the afternoon leaves
4. leaving town
5. waltzing away the thoughts of you and me
6. when words fall short
7. goodbye
8. homes away from home
9. words
10. anything
11. the meadow
12. you and the tree, in the rain
13. brianne
14. on my way home
15. safe and sound
16. sunsets
17. in the streets
18. your plans
Jamison.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
summer fun!
hey guys!
umm..i don't think i really have anything neat-o or thought-provoking to write about...i just wanted to say hi :) i'm getting pretty excited to move out to BC. sometimes i drive around at night or in the early morning and look at nice trees and imagine there are hundreds of them instead of just a few. you have no idea how excited i get over trees. i would live in one if the opportunity presented itself.
so, summer fun, huh! i haven't really been engaging in that so much this summer. i've just been working during the days and spending evenings visiting my visitors--family mostly--and staying out of the rain that punctuates the sunny days spent inside, and going through everything i own (which is a LOT of stuff because i lived in an apartment-dorm at school for 3 years and i was always the "local" roommate, so i am like one of those home stores that has everything from appliances to tvs to bakeware to lamps to furniture to decor...aaaah i hate owning so much stuff! but at the same time, sucks to get rid of it 'cause i don't want to have to buy it again. oh well, if i decide i want appliances again i'll just get married. for now...garage sale of the century!) i was going to get a second job and work myself into insanity again like i usually do in summers...but i keep getting nice little surprises, like my car insurance rate going down and giving me credit, my high school flute being appraised at $479 and getting paid $400 to spend a collective of about 2 hours speaking to a bunch of sweet kids for a week of camp...so things are stacking up in my favor i think? umm..except i lost my wallet. so that was a setback. but aside from cancelable cards, it only had $5 and, coincidentally enough, a vintage valentine in it. i live a pretty "worthless" life i guess?
speaking of that, i'm getting pretty stoked for speaking at camp. i just picked up a compilation book of C.S. Lewis' signature classics and read a few chapters at the end of Mere Christianity last night, which aligned perfectly with the theme i'm speaking on. i'm going to be talking about different aspects/elements of lukewarmness (from the Rev. 3 scripture). yeah leave it to shaina to pick something out of the book of doom to speak on at teen camp huh! but for real, i love making people uncomfortable. i think comfort is our culture's biggest weakness--spiritual, social, intellectual, you name it. huge pandemic. but you know, it won't all be doom and gloom of course...'cause we have that rad thing called hope! it's tricky telling upper middle class christian kids about hope. it's tricky telling myself about hope. maybe we'll all learn something.
well, i should go play with my dear little seventh grade boys who've drifted in again, as is their custom on days that are too hot to skate. (they're asking what there is to do. i told them to get some slurpees and 5centers, build a fort, and watch the ninja turtles movies. i think they are too young to decipher my early 90s dialect. one of them made fun of me for saying "rad" yesterday. further proof childhood is deteriorating.) actually, one of the kids looks like a young River Phoenix, which is inspiring me to watch Stand By Me, a definite summer fun tradition from the same vein as The Sandlot (shoutout to jamison for upholding!) maybe i'll get a slurpee and some 5centers and build a fort to watch those in--'cause chances are good it's gonna be another stormy night!
umm..i don't think i really have anything neat-o or thought-provoking to write about...i just wanted to say hi :) i'm getting pretty excited to move out to BC. sometimes i drive around at night or in the early morning and look at nice trees and imagine there are hundreds of them instead of just a few. you have no idea how excited i get over trees. i would live in one if the opportunity presented itself.
so, summer fun, huh! i haven't really been engaging in that so much this summer. i've just been working during the days and spending evenings visiting my visitors--family mostly--and staying out of the rain that punctuates the sunny days spent inside, and going through everything i own (which is a LOT of stuff because i lived in an apartment-dorm at school for 3 years and i was always the "local" roommate, so i am like one of those home stores that has everything from appliances to tvs to bakeware to lamps to furniture to decor...aaaah i hate owning so much stuff! but at the same time, sucks to get rid of it 'cause i don't want to have to buy it again. oh well, if i decide i want appliances again i'll just get married. for now...garage sale of the century!) i was going to get a second job and work myself into insanity again like i usually do in summers...but i keep getting nice little surprises, like my car insurance rate going down and giving me credit, my high school flute being appraised at $479 and getting paid $400 to spend a collective of about 2 hours speaking to a bunch of sweet kids for a week of camp...so things are stacking up in my favor i think? umm..except i lost my wallet. so that was a setback. but aside from cancelable cards, it only had $5 and, coincidentally enough, a vintage valentine in it. i live a pretty "worthless" life i guess?
speaking of that, i'm getting pretty stoked for speaking at camp. i just picked up a compilation book of C.S. Lewis' signature classics and read a few chapters at the end of Mere Christianity last night, which aligned perfectly with the theme i'm speaking on. i'm going to be talking about different aspects/elements of lukewarmness (from the Rev. 3 scripture). yeah leave it to shaina to pick something out of the book of doom to speak on at teen camp huh! but for real, i love making people uncomfortable. i think comfort is our culture's biggest weakness--spiritual, social, intellectual, you name it. huge pandemic. but you know, it won't all be doom and gloom of course...'cause we have that rad thing called hope! it's tricky telling upper middle class christian kids about hope. it's tricky telling myself about hope. maybe we'll all learn something.
well, i should go play with my dear little seventh grade boys who've drifted in again, as is their custom on days that are too hot to skate. (they're asking what there is to do. i told them to get some slurpees and 5centers, build a fort, and watch the ninja turtles movies. i think they are too young to decipher my early 90s dialect. one of them made fun of me for saying "rad" yesterday. further proof childhood is deteriorating.) actually, one of the kids looks like a young River Phoenix, which is inspiring me to watch Stand By Me, a definite summer fun tradition from the same vein as The Sandlot (shoutout to jamison for upholding!) maybe i'll get a slurpee and some 5centers and build a fort to watch those in--'cause chances are good it's gonna be another stormy night!
songs to swim by
i think a day at cultus lake would be perfect right now... today at 5. until then, this is what i am listening to these days- the music that is sailing my metaphorical sailboat across a metaphorical ocean.
You will be happy to know, i'm listening to a lot of Canadian stuff these days.
Great Lake Swimmers
- a very chill folk band, from Toronto.
Phillip LaRue
-this guys not Canadian. but, you will fall in love with his emotion filled voice instantly.
Armchair Cynics
-these guy are from victoria. they have a lot of "run around and shout" hooks. very fun.
Chris Ayer
-also not Canadian, but whatever. This guy has songs that are perfect for a day beside some water, or a day wishing you were beside some water.
The Stills
-a pretty half decent act from Montreal, with a "crappy band" sounding name. interesting.
and finally, from the British side of life- Badly Drawn Boy
-another misleading name. i thought this would be pop-punk, but its actually more on the folk-rock side of things. i like it.
happy listening, friends.
You will be happy to know, i'm listening to a lot of Canadian stuff these days.
Great Lake Swimmers
- a very chill folk band, from Toronto.
Phillip LaRue
-this guys not Canadian. but, you will fall in love with his emotion filled voice instantly.
Armchair Cynics
-these guy are from victoria. they have a lot of "run around and shout" hooks. very fun.
Chris Ayer
-also not Canadian, but whatever. This guy has songs that are perfect for a day beside some water, or a day wishing you were beside some water.
The Stills
-a pretty half decent act from Montreal, with a "crappy band" sounding name. interesting.
and finally, from the British side of life- Badly Drawn Boy
-another misleading name. i thought this would be pop-punk, but its actually more on the folk-rock side of things. i like it.
happy listening, friends.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
i'm pretty much a girl
so, relationships. I thought that since i think about relationships ever day of my life i would start actually writing about them. i could be the next Josh Harris.
I was wondering today, what my life would be like if i saw every girl (or, young woman, whatever is prefered... i'm too guy-ish to know), as a sister instead of a potential date.
Since i grew up hanging out with my mom i have a preference of hanging out with girls, and watching movies that are created for the female demographic, to the point of feeling like i am pretty much a girl... but i just happen to be a guy.
anyway, in true guy fasion i'm getting off topic- there are girls that i know that i value strongly, for the great relationship i share with them. what if i felt a strong connection to them, but it wasn't a romantic connection... it was just a brother sister connection? if you've never had a brother or sister, or if you're brother or sister turned weird and got married, you might feel the same pull for this kind of relationship that i feel.
i feel like a weirdo for getting this awkward subject out in the open. i hope you haven't stopped liking me. heres an interesting fact about guys, that i will share from my years of wisdom as a guy- when we are boys we chase after candy... when we reach our teen years, and early twenties, all we want is girls. then some of us, when we get older, stop caring about girls and go after cars.
that said, i'm want to take a radical approach, that will probably get me made fun of by everyone (more than usual) - trying to be a brother, that women can relate to, and share conversation with... completely removed from the fear that we have to be "something more".
maybe i'm just dreaming... i don't know. maybe someone else could say it better.
-Adam
(I'll probably look back on this tomorrow and feel embarrassed).
I was wondering today, what my life would be like if i saw every girl (or, young woman, whatever is prefered... i'm too guy-ish to know), as a sister instead of a potential date.
Since i grew up hanging out with my mom i have a preference of hanging out with girls, and watching movies that are created for the female demographic, to the point of feeling like i am pretty much a girl... but i just happen to be a guy.
anyway, in true guy fasion i'm getting off topic- there are girls that i know that i value strongly, for the great relationship i share with them. what if i felt a strong connection to them, but it wasn't a romantic connection... it was just a brother sister connection? if you've never had a brother or sister, or if you're brother or sister turned weird and got married, you might feel the same pull for this kind of relationship that i feel.
i feel like a weirdo for getting this awkward subject out in the open. i hope you haven't stopped liking me. heres an interesting fact about guys, that i will share from my years of wisdom as a guy- when we are boys we chase after candy... when we reach our teen years, and early twenties, all we want is girls. then some of us, when we get older, stop caring about girls and go after cars.
that said, i'm want to take a radical approach, that will probably get me made fun of by everyone (more than usual) - trying to be a brother, that women can relate to, and share conversation with... completely removed from the fear that we have to be "something more".
maybe i'm just dreaming... i don't know. maybe someone else could say it better.
-Adam
(I'll probably look back on this tomorrow and feel embarrassed).
Monday, July 2, 2007
012//miracles
i haven't written a post on some new music, as of late, so i figured i'd get all up on that. here are some of the people who have been massaging my eardrums:
ohbijou
i found ohbijou through their (apparent through myspace) mutual friends, the acorn, who happen to be one of my favourite bands. after my first listen to the songs on their myspace, i was totally sold on this band. the smooth vocals mix so well with the instrumentation. it's all just so good.
MP3: Ohbijou - St. Francis
Stream: Ohbijou on Myspace
"st. francis" is one of the more upbeat tracks on their record. the truth is that most of the songs on the record are perfect for a sleepy evening: slower, jazz-tinged and just really mellow.
miracle fortress
i had read really great things about miracle fortress' latest record, "five roses", from i(heart)music.net (which is a really great blog if you don't know). one afternoon in futureshop, i found the record for a mere $12, and i had to grab it, without hearing a note of what they sounded like. let's just say that daring move turned out in my favor: the album is unreal. they (he) have this really poppy, synthesized, atmospheric sound, that is full of harmonies and falsetto. it's like a brian wilson for an electronic age.
MP3: Miracle Fortress - Next Train
Stream: Miracle Fortress on Myspace
though it's hard to pick a favourite, i'd have to say that "next train" is my favourite off the record. it's just so good. the whole record is good. just go buy it already.
owen
jamo got me hooked on mike kinsella. for a LONG time he has been saying, "dude, you will love owen" and i kind of shrugged him off. after one listen through "the ep", i realized how i should be doing a better job of keeping in touch with jamo. "the ep" is maybe one of the best eps i've heard in a long time. all of his stuff is unreal, in fact.
MP3: Owen - In The Morning, Before Work
Stream: Owen on Myspace
that's all kids, hope you dig the sounds.
Jamison.
ohbijou
i found ohbijou through their (apparent through myspace) mutual friends, the acorn, who happen to be one of my favourite bands. after my first listen to the songs on their myspace, i was totally sold on this band. the smooth vocals mix so well with the instrumentation. it's all just so good.
MP3: Ohbijou - St. Francis
Stream: Ohbijou on Myspace
"st. francis" is one of the more upbeat tracks on their record. the truth is that most of the songs on the record are perfect for a sleepy evening: slower, jazz-tinged and just really mellow.
miracle fortress
i had read really great things about miracle fortress' latest record, "five roses", from i(heart)music.net (which is a really great blog if you don't know). one afternoon in futureshop, i found the record for a mere $12, and i had to grab it, without hearing a note of what they sounded like. let's just say that daring move turned out in my favor: the album is unreal. they (he) have this really poppy, synthesized, atmospheric sound, that is full of harmonies and falsetto. it's like a brian wilson for an electronic age.
MP3: Miracle Fortress - Next Train
Stream: Miracle Fortress on Myspace
though it's hard to pick a favourite, i'd have to say that "next train" is my favourite off the record. it's just so good. the whole record is good. just go buy it already.
owen
jamo got me hooked on mike kinsella. for a LONG time he has been saying, "dude, you will love owen" and i kind of shrugged him off. after one listen through "the ep", i realized how i should be doing a better job of keeping in touch with jamo. "the ep" is maybe one of the best eps i've heard in a long time. all of his stuff is unreal, in fact.
MP3: Owen - In The Morning, Before Work
Stream: Owen on Myspace
that's all kids, hope you dig the sounds.
Jamison.
...me, with a head full of words
i have a day off today, so i thought i would sit down and write some prose, over tea and acoustic music. i guess the use of these esthetical items represents me trying to re-enact the feelings of last summer- lying on a couch in my living room, relaxing, with numerous cups of Komodo Dragon Blend. I would think about life for a moment, and weave stories in my head until they united into one solid good sounding sentence. then i would sit in my room, when it rained, and write long reflections formed around those sentences.
I haven't had a lot of those days this summer. mostly, my summer involves waking up tired, and losing sleep from worrying about life, worrying about how i can find balance with my solitudes, my relationships, and my finances. and, its losing sleep over shalom, and how to feel "at home".
and in trying to find those things, i miss the point completely. that home is as close as opening the window at night so i can hear birds in the morning. or as close as sitting at a coffeeshop talking to old friends (that i have crushes on).
i start to wonder if I relaxing will ever feel the same. "with all this worrying who has time to relax" i might say. One of the thoughts i've worked with the last couple years is how "you need the strength of community to find the joy of solitude". when we spend all our time alone we get lonely. when all our time is spent with people we get bitter.
if there is some magical formula to make the balance between friends and couch reflections, i haven't found it yet. maybe it doesen't exist- but its something that comes with work. its not like work-work- the "arg, i have to wake up ealry to work a job i don't like. blah" feeling. its more the letting youreself enjoy life. letting yourself have the times of reflection. its slowing down and taking breaths, outside in the morning, when the air is fresh.
the question that i always come back to is "when will this summer feel like summer? relaxing and redeeming like i thought it would be?" Is summer supposed to feel profound? I'm not 100% sure. Its not easy to reconcile the words "work" and "rest" in the same sentence. maybe when i stop thinking about all these complications, i will find myself in the very place i've been looking for, as if fumbling into ecstasy (sarah mchlauglin was right).
we'll see i guess. i hope this summer does not leave me feeling unresolved, as much as I think it will.
I haven't had a lot of those days this summer. mostly, my summer involves waking up tired, and losing sleep from worrying about life, worrying about how i can find balance with my solitudes, my relationships, and my finances. and, its losing sleep over shalom, and how to feel "at home".
and in trying to find those things, i miss the point completely. that home is as close as opening the window at night so i can hear birds in the morning. or as close as sitting at a coffeeshop talking to old friends (that i have crushes on).
i start to wonder if I relaxing will ever feel the same. "with all this worrying who has time to relax" i might say. One of the thoughts i've worked with the last couple years is how "you need the strength of community to find the joy of solitude". when we spend all our time alone we get lonely. when all our time is spent with people we get bitter.
if there is some magical formula to make the balance between friends and couch reflections, i haven't found it yet. maybe it doesen't exist- but its something that comes with work. its not like work-work- the "arg, i have to wake up ealry to work a job i don't like. blah" feeling. its more the letting youreself enjoy life. letting yourself have the times of reflection. its slowing down and taking breaths, outside in the morning, when the air is fresh.
the question that i always come back to is "when will this summer feel like summer? relaxing and redeeming like i thought it would be?" Is summer supposed to feel profound? I'm not 100% sure. Its not easy to reconcile the words "work" and "rest" in the same sentence. maybe when i stop thinking about all these complications, i will find myself in the very place i've been looking for, as if fumbling into ecstasy (sarah mchlauglin was right).
we'll see i guess. i hope this summer does not leave me feeling unresolved, as much as I think it will.
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