i have a day off today, so i thought i would sit down and write some prose, over tea and acoustic music. i guess the use of these esthetical items represents me trying to re-enact the feelings of last summer- lying on a couch in my living room, relaxing, with numerous cups of Komodo Dragon Blend. I would think about life for a moment, and weave stories in my head until they united into one solid good sounding sentence. then i would sit in my room, when it rained, and write long reflections formed around those sentences.
I haven't had a lot of those days this summer. mostly, my summer involves waking up tired, and losing sleep from worrying about life, worrying about how i can find balance with my solitudes, my relationships, and my finances. and, its losing sleep over shalom, and how to feel "at home".
and in trying to find those things, i miss the point completely. that home is as close as opening the window at night so i can hear birds in the morning. or as close as sitting at a coffeeshop talking to old friends (that i have crushes on).
i start to wonder if I relaxing will ever feel the same. "with all this worrying who has time to relax" i might say. One of the thoughts i've worked with the last couple years is how "you need the strength of community to find the joy of solitude". when we spend all our time alone we get lonely. when all our time is spent with people we get bitter.
if there is some magical formula to make the balance between friends and couch reflections, i haven't found it yet. maybe it doesen't exist- but its something that comes with work. its not like work-work- the "arg, i have to wake up ealry to work a job i don't like. blah" feeling. its more the letting youreself enjoy life. letting yourself have the times of reflection. its slowing down and taking breaths, outside in the morning, when the air is fresh.
the question that i always come back to is "when will this summer feel like summer? relaxing and redeeming like i thought it would be?" Is summer supposed to feel profound? I'm not 100% sure. Its not easy to reconcile the words "work" and "rest" in the same sentence. maybe when i stop thinking about all these complications, i will find myself in the very place i've been looking for, as if fumbling into ecstasy (sarah mchlauglin was right).
we'll see i guess. i hope this summer does not leave me feeling unresolved, as much as I think it will.
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4 comments:
i think i realized somewhere along the way that the magic is in the memory rather than the moment. because really. does ANYthing ever feel as right as it's supposed to when it's happening? nuh-uh. not to me at least. i think we just have to do the best we can and find as much good in the moment as is possible...and know that the lived memory of it will be more fond than the unlived expectations that were maybe never fulfilled. (this is all much better as an unspoken concept than as a crappy explanation)
but i know what you mean about it not feeling like summer yet. i was just saying last night that i feel suspended in spring. i suppose i'll remember it as summer when its time has passed.
summer will feel like it when we have a baseball bbq at my house, which will involve a bbq, playing baseball and watching the sandlot. you and your friendcrush are invited.
THE SANDLOT!?!??!? aaaaaah why am i not theeeere...all i wanted to do tonight was watch the sandlot!! (even though i HATE baseball!) hmm.
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