call me

"there is something strange in your voice when you call
(everything i had everything i wanted is so far away)
it's out of my reach"


i'm shaina.
today i thought about dropping out of college.
17 days from graduating. with a BA. that took me 5 years.

not because i want to make a point. and not because i'm a quitter.
i thought about it because, holy-o, what kind of a sick sacrifice would that be.
and not like, what kind of show-off value would it have, but what kind of inert, personal sacrifice would it prove itself. my parents would freak.out. my profs would think i'm nuts and no doubt be offended. my friends would think i'm just pissed off or something. i could be throwing away tons of "sensible" or "rewarding" job opportunities and shots at personal acclaim. closing doors. giving up opportunities.
but in all honesty...i don't want any of those things. and i don't care what anyone else perceives or interprets it as. all i care about is making damn sure i'm doing the will of God.
i have this propensity to think in terms of things that fly in the face of the expected and the sanctioned. i have an obsession with corrective perspective and if i could have a concept as a pet, it would be reformation.

so seriously, i couldn't decide what would be more effective in the life i feel called to live:
a) having the degree
or
b) having let it go

i am just not that into labels and measurements. i spent my entire school career getting A's and it didn't mean a thing. letters are so unmotivating. identity is such a waste of time. i'm going to die after all. i don't want to own my life. (that's like wanting to own the sky or the seasons.)

i have been in bible college for 5 years. and i miss God so much.


it seems these days that everything (even the thing that can come under the guise of good) wants to pull you away from the call, from the course. from the Voice calling you. sometimes you trust their tunes, like sirens inviting you, sailor, to your death on a rocky shore...