sadness: reprise

song i can't get out of my mind lately? glad you asked.
"Doubting Thomas" by Nickel Creek.
before you read any further, go listen to it.
http://www.myspace.com/nickelcreek

( i don't care if you've heard it before, i want you to listen to it right now to get you on the same page and in the same place with me )

* * *

alright, so now that we're here together, let's talk about something. it's something pretty important. it's something i always am curious about how other people do it, or whether or not they do it. it's something i personally and readily admit to failing at on a daily basis. are you ready for me to just be out with it already?
it's trust.

i tuck it up there like a little sliver of a shadow in the very early afternoon.
is it really as difficult as i find it? should it be so hard to trust someone? i hardly even trust myself. actually, edit: i pretty much do not trust myself one bit.

since i'm the resident girl around here, let's talk about love a little.
like, the kind where you use parts of your heart that make you suffocate, and roll your eyes at yourself when that "someone" looks away for a second.
i have never been in love. pretty sure anyways.
i have been in denial. pretty sure. anyways.
but honestly, the few characters that i have let past the outer defenses...well, here's the unofficial strategy: realize that people fall in love all the time and reason with self that it could possibly be alright; be good friends and invest/let go of teensy piece of heart no bigger than free sample in Costco paper cup; implement universal self-standard of painfully slow paced progression; reinforce inner defenses; eventually come to the conclusion "what was i thinking?" and return to homeostasis.

i don't think i've ever actually articulated that before. or holistically processed it. i'm very bad at love. at trust. oh, so so bad at trust. i don't trust myself because i can hear myfutureself already calling back to me, "what are you thinnnkiiing?" and i certainly don't trust anyone else involved because i have this firstplace assumption that i must just be bored or retarded and it will pass.

hmm i started writing a story loosely based on this a while back. maybe i'll finish that now that i have time, and i'll post it here. it's called "The Architect's Daughter." there, you can anticipate a horribly dramatic and tragic fairy tale.

so i've been making myself read this book this past semester. i decided to do it to see if it was as absolute of crap as i anticipated it to be. turns out it's not. it's actually really true stuff. and unreasonably challenging for me to take in (98% more unreasonably challenging to actually apply). it's called Captivating...if you're a boy, it's the women's version of Wild at Heart. i've put it off for a month or two now, but i just tried to make myself finish it here. i read a paragraph. but then it was talking about a right heart and said that a "redeemed Eve" is "willing to be disappointed."

at face value, that seems like a no-big-deal sort of thing that's a given. but honestly, try to remember the last time you were disappointed--like, seriously deeply in your heart disappointed. (i'll admit, maybe i'm a bit ridiculous, and i take things to the extreme...but i mean, if you're going to feel something, might as well feel it hard) consider if you will, the "disappointment" you feel like a punch in the stomach when you find out the person you maybe let yourself love a little figures they're in love with someone else (and if you're going for the full effect: when they tell you all about it and/or ask for your input/advice) (and what the heck, the aftershock disappointment of realizing how much more of a whole person the person they're talking about is than you are). when i read this requirement, it made me remember the feeling of absolute disappointment, the kind that really hurts--not the little stabby hurt that draws blood, but the impaling hurt that makes your eyes wide and your soul gape hopelessly open. the hurt you can't even feel. i hope you haven't had to feel that hurt. i don't think it comes often in a lifetime. i felt that hurt in october. it was after i had had my surgery and finally got better..and then got sick again, worse than ever before. it's not something to talk about here. i haven't even had time to sort it out with myself yet--i had to put it away. i don't trust me to bring it out yet.

i suppose it just sounds a whole lot like i don't trust God huh.
i don't feel like i don't trust him--all i want is what he wants.
( "show me the way i should go, for to you i lift up my soul..." )
but i'm so weak. i doubt everything. i end things before they've even begun. i couldn't even cry when the memory of october overwhelmed me because i've developed this coping mechanism where i let the tears that surprised me fall and calmly breathe their kinsmen away while some stranger in my head anesthetizes me.
it's time to trade this heart of stone for a heart of flesh.
if only i could remember...





"sometimes i pray for a slap in the face, then i beg to be spared 'cause i'm a coward...
oh me of little faith..."