i do wanna love you, i do wanna try

that's right, kids. hedley lyrics.

it's been a quiet while.
i'm trying to mean things.
i've been venturing into strange places (eg: a hedley song--usually the sight of them prompts drown-out hollaring until i can find a remote. see also: the historic romance story i accidentally read, and learning to play yahtzee.)

i don't like people much.
i do, but sometimes i think it's maybe more in an i-love-you-'cause-you're-in-my-family kind of way.
that's the thing i'm trying to figure out--what i mean, and what i just have done so long i think i mean it.
that's why i refrain from singing a lot of things sung in church. jamison mentioned stuff of this in his post below. i implemented a discipline in relation to this in my own life a year or two ago. i dunno, i don't like verbal obesity. i don't like saying words that aren't mine. i don't like lying. i suppose i'm much graver than i let on.



i probably said 11 sentences that whole time i visited those wester cities, maybe 1.5 of them that mattered.
not for any reason. just didn't have much to say that i'd have meant.

"how do you mean?"
that's one of my old people phrases i often use to clarify what folks are telling me.
i wonder a lot, when things are said and done, just how they were meant.



so the thing i've been thinking about on and off for several months is this.

sadistic voyeurism.

(that's what i call it anyways.)


i don't imagine anyone would readily stake a participatory claim in it.

i suppose the popular culture cycles by it every so often.
so now instead of the colosseum or the gallows we gather at the colossus or the galaxy.

i wonder what went through the minds of the spectators at the ancient events, what their motivation was for participating in this kind of consumption: a hunger for justice to be served? a thirst for social involvement? a satanic lust for the agony and destruction of humanity?

sounds like crazy church talk, but it's true isn't it?
he wants us to suffer and die. he likes it best when we do it to ourselves, to each other.
i've never seen satan cut a man to pieces. have you?

i have seen this, though:

alright.
i just went to youtube to find the trailer and link it, but i can't even handle it, it's disgusting..it wasn't the trailer i found first, but whatever it was gave me a feeling i do not want to have ever again. i won't even mention what it's called, but if you see the trailer like i did at a movie the other night or come across it somewhere, you'll know it.

basically, the premise is something like a bunch of tapes are discovered that document someone's killing spree, as shot by the killer himself.

when i saw it, it was the proverbial "cherry on top" of the previously-pondered-in-this-category Hostel/Saw/etc.

i began a bit of an essay on the same topic one day at work a while back...here's an exerpt:

So my brother and I liked this movie, House on Haunted Hill, when we were teenagers.
He called on Saturday and mentioned the sequel that was just released this year (coincidentally I had noticed it listed as rentable on the dish earlier that day). So today I decided to check out the trailer.

As it turns out, if you watch this particular film on HD DVD or Blue Ray, you have the option of essentially directing the progression of the story:

"With 96 frightening possibilities, their fate is in your hands...You decide who lives, or how they die."

It blows my mind that our culture considers this "enhanced entertainment."


last night i just saw a preview for this one, which i thought was interesting and may pose a relevant challenge to the cinema-going, internet-gorged culture (if they bother to think about it?):

http://youtube.com/watch?v=OLYo5tMylQM

reminded me of that video a few years back of the hostage decapitation. i didn't see it. i know people who did. what urges a person to "tune in" to these things? a hunger for justice? thirst for social involvement? or the other thing...